Manny Stiles: the Komillion

Manny Freakin' Stiles

2011-12-31T23:59:00.003-07:00

*****WARNING*****WARNING*****WARNING*****
"If you don't know where you are, it's your own damned fault." - Manny Stiles

Manny Stiles presents Sports Augury - Super Bowl XLIV Edition

2010-02-06T12:07:00.007-07:00

In a continuous effort to bring fresh sports opinion articles and ideas to the 'net, Manny Stiles presents Sports Augury. Of all the Sports Augury readings this version was performed with the most haste and least defiled setting – I apologize, but life has its devious clenches on my ‘free time’ these days. Nonetheless… the reading occurred as follows:

Manny Stiles’ Super Bowl Tarot Reading

This is a description of actual events. The reading took place with a Crowley adapted Rider-Waite deck. The readings are actual and true and were not altered by any of my "wishes, wants or anticipations" but in parenthesis is my take on the translations. Those unfamiliar with tarot readings need to understand that the laying out of cards is NOT a future telling method, but similar to the laying down of a picture and interpreting it's meaning.

The reading consists of two standard "cross" readings (see attached diagram), one for each team. A double sacred coin selection method is administered to determine with one coin who will be heads and who will be tails, then a flip of a second coin to see who gets ‘read’ first. Colts ‘win’ the first coin toss deciding which side of coin two they will be (heads) but the Saints win the second coin toss determining they will have their spread drawn first.

There is the triple shuffle, triple cut, off-hand selection method used to lay the cards.

New Orleans Saints Spread
The cards are reshuffled in the prescribed manner and five cards are laid face down in the "cross" and are turned over one at a time.

Saints Card One - Center/Present Position
Two of Cups – “Love” – Venus in Cancer

Two overflowing cups entwined with the dolphins of venus. Harmonious union of male and female.

(Manny's take – Clearly, everybody loves the Saints. Perhaps it also alludes to a balance of offense and defense/running and passing?)

Saints Card Two - Psychic/Spirit Position
Five of Wands - "Strife" - Saturn in Leo

Disproportionate size of the characters represented on the card indicates following the coordination of spirit that disunion has begun. Motives are battling for control between three controlling factors – two lotus and a phoenix. Quarreling, fighting.

(Manny's take – The ‘phoenix’ is the up and comer. Perhaps there is discord in the football minds about the game plan? Strife can’t be good in a spiritual realm, but events can change that once the game begins. Sitting above the present realm of Love might signify that it’s not that big a deal.)

Saints Card Three - Instinct Position
The Empress - III

A trump card under Love. Represented by Venus. In the instinctual position, feminine power. Love, Peace and Harmony. This bodes well for a team entering their first “Big Game”…

(Manny's take – These guys are happy and in position to succeed. Perhaps they should guard against being ‘just happy to be there’.)

Saints Card Four - Past Position (leads up to present position)
Princess of Wands

The earthy part of fire. Brilliant and daring with great energy. Sudden and violent in love or anger. Enthusiastic.

(Manny's take – Ask Kurt Warner or Brett Favre about the earthy part of fire… I think it’s clear the Saints defense is going to be as big a part of the Saints’ fortunes as their highly advertised passing offense.)

Saints Card Five - Future Position (travels beyond present position)
Knight of Wands

Purely male creative force in fire or spirit. Represents the fiery part of fire; impetuosity, pride and swiftness. A Dark figure ready for war riding a horse of fire, carrying a joust of fire.

(Manny's take – The Saints are coming to do work (wands represented well) BUT… are the Saints going to move away from the feminine into the male?)

Saints Spread Translation

They have love, harmony and peace presently and now are going to change what got them there once the game begins? Uh oh… Potential for strife and cross feelings exists. The transition of strong feminine characteristics into a dominant male force is not representative of weakness moving to strength but perhaps the other way around. Maybe the Saints know more about themselves than we do – maybe they have a game plan no one expects.

(Manny's take – Everyone expects the Saints to be a passing team, I have a feeling they will be more balanced and I also think their defense will mean more than we expect. We’ll see how the rest of the reading goes to clarify.)

Indianapolis Colts Spread
Five cards are laid face down in the "cross" and are turned over one at a time in the same manner.

Colts Card One - Center/Present Position
Prince of Swords

Conveys two ideas, hail and the restriction of the scientific outlook which uses but restricts the imagination (the Prince’s horse is harnessed). Thinking… lots of thinking. Full of ideas and designs. Clever but inelastic and unstable of purpose. Slays as fast as he creates.

(Manny's take – Can you say Peyton Manning? Now that Peyton has already won a ring and shed his choker label, THIS is his personal game. Maybe he finds a way to raise the choker label by being too much of Peyton Manning.)

Colts Card Two - Psychic/Spirit Position
Knight of Swords

Represents the fiery part of air, a man active, skillful and clever. Courageous but often unreflective. Much action and not as much thinking.

(Manny's take – Could this be the coaching staff? Caldwell might be letting Peyton – and the Aura of #18 – run the show a little too much?)

Colts Card Three - Instinct Position
Queen of Swords

Swords, swords, swords… thinking, thinking, thinking.

The watery part of air. A subtle interpreter. An intense individualist, confident gracious and just. The Queen is holding a sword in one hand and a severed head in the other… no clarification on whose head it might be.

(Manny's take – This line in the cross is very, very swordish. The Colts are overthinking things and are in their own heads. I have a feeling this has a lot to do with Dwight Freeney’s ankle injury and how the will adjust and how it affects the team.)

Colts Card Four - Past Position (leads up to present position)
Five of Disks – “Worry” – Mercury in Taurus

A very dark card and troublesome. Bent and torn by strain. Supressed action.

(Manny's take – Some things here are pointing to the stress the Colts put on themselves by not going 16-0 and the fallout of saying how “it wasn’t their goal, winning the Super Bowl is”. They put even more pressure on themselves in doing that.)

Colts Card Five - Future Position (travels beyond present position)
The Hermit – IX

A trump card in the future. Represented by Virgo. It’s pretty significant. The hermit holds the lamp of secret wisdom. He protects the snake of life from the hounds of hell. Represents divine inspiration. Also, retirement from participation from current events… withdrawing from others as a hermit.

(Manny's take – Is this the last run of the Colts’ “dynasty”? This card is pretty tough to pin down. Does Tony Dungy come back? Does Peyton Manning get hurt? Is Marvin Harrison showing up to the game with a gun to shoot up the place?)

Colts Spread Translation

The Colts are over-planning, over-thinking, preparing too many contingencies and forcing too many shenanigans into their plans. They are drifting into being something other than what they are. Manning is getting himself into a place outside of his comfort zone and the pressure they have put on themselves over the past two months will unfold into a game that will not be spectacular.

(Manny's take – Football is not a thinking game. It’s a brutal game. The Colts are primed for a beat down.)

Cut Readings
Cut readings are made by shuffling the deck in the standard manner and reading the card pulled. For this part, we chose to do individual readings for the offense, defense and special teams for each team. The card would define significant questions and strategic realities they will encounter.

Saints Offense
Ace of Disks - Venus in Virgo

“The root of the powers of earth”. Material gain, power, labor, wealth, contentment; materiality in all senses. Primitive earth as a whirling planet and as a substance. A very significant card to Crowley as the affirmation of Sun and Earth.

(Manny's take – The reading is coming more clear. The Saints are going to pound the crap out of the Colts with the running game. Expect big gains on the ground and/or short passes.)

Colts Offense
Nine of Disks – “Gain” – Venus in Virgo

Good luck attending to material affairs. Completion of material gain. The disks with their beams of light show a condition in which chance and management give an increasing good fortune.

(Manny's take – OK. The Colts will move the ball too. They are the Colts. It seems that if they limit their risks, it will pay off…. No duh. A trick play might give them false expectations.)

Saints Defense
Two of Cups – “Love” – Venus in Cancer

This card was also pulled in the present position for the Saints. The defense is the Saints’ strength and center of harmony.

(Manny's take – The guys in uniform for the Saints are all on the same page. Darren Sharper and the Saints’ D is the real difference maker for the Saints, not Drew Brees and the passing game, since the Saints will be pounding the Colts run D.)

Colts Defense
Prince of Disks

He drives an impetuous bull and is a symbol of the fruits and seeds of earth. A capable manager and steadfast worker who is competent and perhaps considered dull. A very strong looking football card.

(Manny's take – The Colts are going to bring the heat to Drew Brees but it seems the Saints are already planning to keep the pressure off Brees with runs. The Colts will wear themselves out as much as the Saints will pound them.)

Saints Special Teams
Ten of Cups – “Satiety” – Mars in Pisces

Pursuit of pleasure crowned with perfect success but incomplete. Exhaustion from expanded energy is expressed.

(Manny's take – The Saints will get some decent gains and big plays with special teams – a great punt or two? - but won’t score a TD.)

Colts Special Teams
Prince of Cups

Airy part of water. Ruthless in his own aims, caring intensely for power and wisdom.

(Manny's take – This card is very bland and insignificant in representing kickers, punters and special teams. I don’t have much to make with this card, so don’t expect a chance of a game winning field goal for the Colts.)

Overall Cut Readings
Two simple questions, Two cards that's it.

Question One: I draw the card...

How will the game play out?
The Heirophant – V

Divine wisdom, inspiration, stuborn strength, toil, endurance, persistence, patience. Represented by Taurus, the cardinal sign of earth.

(Manny's take – The Saints are going to make this a grind-out, punch ‘em in the mouth, ol’fashioned football game! In other words, a nightmare for the NFL’s braintrust which dreams of a big play circus extravaganza, exciting scoreboard exploder.)

I draw the second card to answer...

What is the Outcome?
Princess of swords

The earthy part of air. Stern and revengeful with destructive logic, firm and aggressive with great practical wisdom and subtlety.

(Manny's take – With all the swords representing the Colts in this reading, the outcome card seems to allude to the Colts winning but the Princess coming up seems to signify the Colts simply out-thinking themselves while the Saints are going to stay to the earth and employ brute force.)

The final analysis of the reading
The game isn’t going to be the great shootout everyone assumes it should be. There should be some scoring, no doubt but take the under on passing yards and the over on rushing yards… especially for the Saints. The other “Payton” (Sean) is going to stick to football basics when it matters most. Possession and limiting mistakes on offense leaving his defense to be fresh and aggressive. The game will be won by a harmonious team (in football, teams win games, not great players) with the simple gameplan – win the game.

I have a strong indication that there will be a score on a Colts trick play – who does the scoring will be determined. The Colts are coming into the game over-complicated and with lingering questions (will Freeney’s injury make more problems for planning than simply losing him to injury?)

Not only will the Saints look to pound the Colts on both sides of the ball, they will get a lead and shorten the game by rushing the clock out toward the end of the contest. I guess I’m not getting my Overtime Super Bowl this year, either. Manning will be forced to adjust at halftime but by then, it will be too late. He might not even finish the game. Not a total stinker of a game but certainly not an instant classic…

(Manny’s take - Saints 27, Colts 19. Archie Manning's head explodes and between the post-game parties and Mardi Gras, the levees break and the town floods again.)

Take from this what you choose, but choose wisely.

Of Course the NHL Can Succeed in Phoenix and It Will. So Accept It Already!

2010-01-13T12:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it gets a little tiring hearing the same droning sports arguments chanted and regurgitated mindlessly: "Muhammad Ali was the greatest ever", "Derek Jeter is clutch", "Hockey can't succeed in warm weather cities".... ugh.

Let's address the third one... the other two assumptions are a proven waste of font.

Location, Location, Location

"Glendale isn't in the heart of Phoenix"...

No, but it's where the people live, work and play. One trip around the Loop 101 will give you a hint that the proximity of the arena is just fine. Nothing in Phoenix is that far away and people 'Out West' don't freak out about driving 20 miles the way the people "Back East" do... 20 miles of driving in Arizona is barely worth a yawn. Weather isn't a factor and all the roads are wide, flat and straight with beautiful mountains on the horizon many miles away. Twenty miles of driving in the Great Northeast is a nightmare of epic proportions. I understand that being raised in the Northeast and having lived in Arizona (and attending several Coyotes games) for 9 years. But apparently the people who chant the "NHL needs to leave the warm weather markets" arguments don't comprehend these simple logistics.

The Coyotes play their games next door to the Cardinals' stadium... no one clamors for the Cards to move any more... and yes, the Cards went almost 20 seasons without a blacked out home game not including the Cowboys or Steelers. 20 years. They played in a college stadium (Tempe Stadium) with aluminum bench seats in the hot sun. Arizona State was intelligent enough to host nearly ever game at night so people wouldn't burn their asses (Yes, even in November) but the NFL demanded that the Cardinals played their home games at 1pm or 2pm local (depending on when the rest of the world observed Daylight Savings Time). Yet, somehow - through mostly pigheaded stubbornness on behalf of the owners - the team "survived" 19 seasons with only ONE winning record and ONE playoff appearance.

I can't help but feel people who bitch about the NHL in Phoenix don't understand Phoenix's market at all. "Downtown" is not something that really exists in PHX. The societal 'action' in the evenings (when the Sun is no longer feeling like a microwave with the door open) is in Scottsdale, Tempe and Glendale. "Downtown" Phoenix - save for a D-Backs or Suns game is pretty much a ghost town after 5pm.

Phoenix is a town in the West, not like the Northeast U.S. or Canada. Things are more spread out. EVERY location is convenient...

Many people are discounting the basic fact that MOST of Phoenix's population (to a lesser extent places like Tampa and Miami) consists of transplants from very cold places (Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, New York, New England, Canada... name it) and snowbirds. There's a reason WHY the NHL was brought there in the first place. The fans are there. Unfortunately - due to the local teams own missteps and undoings - these fans have found very little reason to leave their old allegiances behind for the Coyotes.

Teams in Florida (and Texas) also have a built in advantage over other American cities and far over Canadian cities for one simple reason: taxes. There's no personal income tax there.

I'd also be willing to bet a hefty sum that the metro area of Phoenix has a greater population than Winnipeg, Hamilton, Quebec, Regina, Seattle and Milwaukee (other places mentioned as possible re-location destinations) combined. Hell, Arizona has over 1/6th as many residents as all of Canada by itself.

Have you paid attention to Pro Sports for the last 100 years?

What's happening in Phoenix is sad but it's nothing new.

People used to say that football couldn't survive in small, warm-weather markets like Tampa or New Orleans. Take a look now.

Even dedicated hockey fans blatantly ignore the fact that the last pro sports franchise in the four major leagues to fold were those pesky Cleveland Barons of the NHL... just two short seasons before the NHL expanded.

Sure, Canada has some financial disadvantages compared to the U.S. plus the fact that Canada's entire population is smaller than New York and Pennsylvania combined despite there being a supposedly more "rabid" and passionate fanbase for the great sport of hockey. Canada also has a history of difficulty in keeping their sports franchises from drifting southward.

The NHL isn't the only victim of Professional Sports franchises taking their business elsewhere; please remember Sports IS a business. The CFL expanded in the 90's - with dramatic failure - into such football hotbeds as Las Vegas, Birmingham, Alabama and Sacramento, California. The NBA (a game originated by a Canadian) spent time in Vancouver before leaving for the rich, fertile metro area of ... Memphis? And no one needs to rehash the Colorado Nordiques and their two Stanley Cups to explain simply why pro sports businesses take their beloved Canadian heritages to the dirty, hated American markets.

Montreal didn't lose their baseball team because of a lack of fans. Montreal lost the Expos because of mismanagement (they traded every talent away and sold out their fans) and a sad mistake of a home stadium (build it, they will come)

Teams overcoming failure is why most people LOVE following sports

Sports History - fact and fiction - is full of stories about dismal teams with long odds climbing from the depths of putridity and disdain to triumph and reign supreme. From Hoosiers to Major League and to Chaminade over Virginia to the Bible's actual David and Goliath.

The New York Highlanders were a pathetic joke for their first 20 seasons until they changed their name to the Yankees and paid some dough for some lefty pitcher named George. The Dodgers were ten times more forlorn than the Clippers long before the NBA existed. The Dallas Cowboys were putrid for a decade before they turned the corner of Sucksville into 'America's Team'. The Detroit Red Wings suffered 4 1/2 decades of listlessness in a place called Hockeytown. The Phillies went 97 seasons before winning a World Series. People forget how the Boston Red Sox were afterthoughts and rarely sold out a home game at Fenway in the 80's and 90's before going nearly 5 years without a sellout in the 00's. The Atlanta Braves were a joke for two decades before running off a decade and a half of playoff appearances. Even the lowly Tampa Bay Rays made it to the World Series in their first winning season in franchise history.

The most glaring example of the recent past might be the Pittsburgh Penguins... a team that was bankrupt and doomed for extinction just a few short years ago. Oh yeah... they are the reigning Stanley Cup Champions.

Sometimes all it takes is luck. Like a #1 draft pick to turn the franchise around. More times it takes a lot of diligence, dedication and a philosophy of winning. Running a pro sports franchise is not easy and winning is even harder. It happens every season - only one team ends their season with a meaningful victory. The rest of the franchises have all essentially failed. It happens EVERY season.

Woe, Canada... Chill out!

Look, dear Canadians... I like you, I really do. But please don't let your love of hockey blind you from facing reality. take all things into consideration and you'll have a clearer picture of what is happening.

We aren't desecrating or sullying your game. We love it too! If you want to blame fan apathy on us (U.S.) you're only fooling yourself. Don't let your pride and over-protective arrogance degrade the game for others... Share the beauty of your game with the world and everyone benefits!

Take a look at the NHL over the last 15 or so years beyond expansion and relocation for just a second and realize there are other VERY simple factors that have affected the game more... three of which are very simple.

Hello? Lockout.

Fans are fickle and emotional with stubborn, long-term memories. The NFL, MLB and NBA have all suffered work stoppages that have ultimately improved their products by leaps and bounds but left many millions of narrow-minded fans heart-broken and hurt. The poor little babies can't see the forest for the saplings and act like ex-girlfriends scorned. Sometimes you must break a few eggs to cook breakfast - every stoppage made the game better but also hurt the trust and dedication of too many fans. The NHL took the nuclear option and destroyed a whole season...

What channel is the game on?

This is the beast that feeds itself... or eats its own tail - depending on your angle. The NHL is largely ignored in some circles simply because there's no real TV deal to provide the game to the masses - and thusly to the advertisers and marketers who thrive on said masses. TV hates partially empty arenas even more than you do. Attendance and TV play a dirty dance. Teams won't give the product at a reduced rate (paying the price of commercial hypnotism in your living room) if they can't sell their product to butter their bread first (butts in seats, apparel on bodies). It's a vicious cycle.

Then there's Versus and Comcast and the other battle to see who can strangle the sport faster... at the expense of the casual fans. Sure, the diehards will find a way to see their teams, but diehards aren't exactly the demographic most susceptible to commercial market share. They just want to watch the game. Businesses aren't in business for the sake of diehards, they need to expand market share constantly to grow and succeed. No business worth doing business succeeds only by saturating its existing customers. That is failure.

Let's go, Kryshwyuezqzkisjski!!!

Easily the biggest peeve I have with Canadians... you can't accept it's not just your game anymore (or even North America's game). Europeans have lots of ice, too. The influx of consonant-laden jerseys has attributed to fan apathy as much as anything. Successful Pro Sports are driven by stars. Stars are made through talent, production and accessibility to the masses. Stars need to transcend the illuminated and the ignorant fans. People LOVE to relate to their heroes - which is tough when they can't pronounce the guy's name. Foreign names "alienate" people... it's just how humans are by nature - we like to relate to people who are like us. When people can relate to the game's Stars, corporate sponsorships (and the loonies to pay the bills) will follow.

It's the same reason why many baseball fans aren't as passionate as they used to be - they don't speak Spanish or Japanese. Don't blame it on racism or ignorance... it's convenience - just like bashing Americans for not being just like Canadians. Face it, the shift has begun. As your sport succeeds amongst new populations, it will breed more success. The next "Great One" might be lacing up right now in muddy back-country hills of Tennessee, in the Sonoran Desert in Arizona or in a little, beat up rink in a place like Georgia... not necessarily the country of Georgia.

What is REALLY happening?

The Coyotes are suffering because of 1) Gross mismanagement including a STUPID stadium deal in Glendale they rushed into and 2) Poor talent evaluation, worse free agent signings and having a limp front office and subpar coach with a big ticket name (The Mediocre One) instead of a coach who could develop the team with a real philosophy, and 3) A long string of NOT winning.

The Coyotes are not a victim of bad location. They are not a victim of a lack of willing fans. They are not a victim of dispassionate fans. They are not a victim of Americans not understanding hockey.

They are a victim of themselves...

Give the new ownership a chance. A fresh start. The people who took over have succeeded in their own realms of business to understand the task at hand. They have to re-brand and re-establish a culture of sucktitude with success. It won't be easy - it never is. Get off your biases and be patient. The Rags to Riches stories in pro sports are what makes sports great. Not every franchise can be legendary all the time. Not every team can always be the crown jewel.

If you truly believe hockey is the great game it is, let them play! Jumbling franchises around from place to place simply because they aren't currently winning franchises HURTS the entire league for the sake of saving a tiny bit of face and spreading a profit margin slightly wider. It is a beautiful game. Be patient. Strong fanbases aren't built overnight. It takes patience, perseverance and most of all time for those kids and youngsters who grow up with the franchises to develop into the next generation of players, fans and lifelong diehards.

Team owners are Businessmen and Businessmen aren't stupid. They know how to succeed. They leave places like Winnipeg because they are seeking MORE success, not failure. If all factors are in place, a little luck falls the right way and smart, dedicated minds focus on the appropriate goals, an NHL team could succeed while playing their home games on the Moon.

It's 2010. We no longer live in a world where The Original Six makes sense - or dollars. Sure, the Winter Classic won't likely be held in Phoenix or Miami anytime soon, though the technology isn't too far out of the realm of possibility. But get over it, they CAN succeed. It's better for the sport if you support your entire league.

Let them play.

2010-01-05T20:01:00.002-07:00

Another "lazy, mindless response" to the persistent baseball argument by Dr. Commento, a.k.a. Uncle Manny.

Numbers tell you exactly what you want them to.

Numbers are 100% an accumulation and averaging of handpicked chosen hindsights. You cannot predict the future with certainty based on numbers of the past. You can't count something as fact until it has happened. Even then, you only count what you deem as important.

Numbers are THE PAST. Not the present.

Numbers give a representation of the truth. They are not the whole truth. I can show you a picture of the Pacific Ocean. It's not the same as putting your head in it. It's not the same as bobbing helplessly with the billions of pieces of plastic in the middle of it. It's not the same as sinking to the bottom of it. Numbers are a snapshot.

If stats mattered as much as some of you statheads think they do, they wouldn't need to "play the game on grass instead of a calculator" would they?

All factors in baseball numbers are weighted the same when it's clear not all factors are the same. Hell, a guy can FEEL differently (health, confidence, concentration, clarity, comfort, etc. on and on) from one at bat to the next... or more ACCURATELY - one PITCH to the next! This is true about the pitcher, the managers, umpires, every person in the stadium... from the ball to the bat to a moth that flies into the outfielder's ear. There's the wind, the light, seasons, magnetic resonance of the poles, voodoo, black magic and santaria. There is no absolute way to account for variables in the accumulation of baseball's numbers.

How do you measure and account for that - logically - in your compiled assumptions... I mean compiled digits? How do you measure possibilities for the present and/or future by looking at the past? How can you value a player while discounting the hundreds of thousands or even MILLIONS of variables and say every player's numbers correlate?

It's easy to paint the picture you want to see when you get to choose the colors.

Reality is... not a choice.
But the numbers are often right! Right?

"We picked these numbers because they prove our point more than the other numbers do.."--------->

And the sun shines directly on a dog's ass if he wags his tail hard enough.

Heh... ask any manager - guessing by numbers works sometimes, and other times it don't mean jack. Look at just about EVERY single World Series winning team since 2001 (ESPECIALLY every logic defying move Bob Brenly made in 2001)... they ALL defied "assumed logic", a.k.a. "The Numbers" somewhere on their path to a title.

The world does NOT work according to the numbers. Otherwise the Yankees wouldn't lose games 4,5,6 and 7 of the 2004 ALCS and the Red Sox, Angels, Phillies and White Sox would still be cursed. Steve Bartman would still be a Cubs fan.

Let me sum it up like this - only one statistic means something in the REAL world - Wins and Losses.

Baseball has changed so much and yet stayed exactly the same

Strategies evolve. Rules are updated and altered. New schools of thought enter the collective consciousness.

The way statheads look at the game today and apply their logic to players of the past is laughable. They look at numbers players are TRYING to accumulate today and comparing them to players who simply played to win years ago. Maybe Babe Ruth would be on his way to becoming the best closer in history and all-time saves leader if he broke into the game today. More likely, he'd be a lefty specialist reliever. Ted Williams would have taken more walks if he wasn't such a greedy bastard trying to get every hit he could. Ty Cobb too. No doubt, they all would have struck out more than they did because - according to statheads - the game is more intelligent now than it was in the past, thanks to those numbers showing us how important numbers are...

OBP - statheads will tell you base runners are important. Well, yeah... but they aren't everything. Plenty of games have been won by ONE baserunner. More games have been lost with lots of runners left on base. OBP doesn't measure productive outs or smart baserunning.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
***Trivia Alert***

A pitcher can throw 162 IP in a season without throwing a single pitch to the catcher; never allowing a hit, run or error. Does that mean he's unhittable? The stats say so... How?
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Ever heard of a GWRBI? It was considered a useful evaluation tool in the 80's. It was also a load of crap. Much like today's save rule has become crap because of nuances and subtle changes in the way the game is played.

Guess what? There's another new, wonderful stat coming around the corner and another one after that and on and on. But the game is still won and lost the same way.

Sure, statistics made baseball easier for video game players to create their wares. Statistics make an agent's job easier come arbitration hearing day. Statistics lend plenty of fuel to feed meaningless arguments in the blogosphere.

But as Mark Twain famously said well over 100 years ago. "There are lies, damned lies and then there are statistics."
Use the Numbers, but triangulate your information.

Common sense can't be measured.

One glance at Mark McGwire circa 1998 in an MLB uniform and even a child can surmise "This is a guy with some power". No one needed to look at the back of his baseball card to verify that. One buzz of a Nolan Ryan fastball in the dirt circa 1973 followed by one just as noisy up around your chin gives you an idea that it might be hard to get a hit that day. Extreme examples for sure, but you get the point.

Numbers can fool the eye but talent can be recognized VERY quickly by the experienced, trained eye. Ask the first casting director who got a peek at Halle Berry.
Reality creates numbers. Reality also skews numbers before they get a chance to be skewed by statisticians

I'm not saying stats are useless. Things like OBP shows us which guys try harder to be successful at getting on base more often. It doesn't show us who really is the most successful under exact same variables and lead us to be able to rank players accordingly. Then again, OBP doesn't win baseball games by itself. OBP doesn't play defense and doesn't run bases. I'll take a guy who can go first to third or break up a double play than a guy who gets to first more often and no further - every time.

Statistics don't account for instincts, physical abilities or the ability to be as unpredictable as a human being (as most baseball players seem to be).

If statistics meant everything, How do we judge a player before they accumulate a number? How do we assume those numbers are accumulated equally? What about guys who sacrifice their statistics by playing through pain or falter with the stress of 162 games, travel and life in general? What about cheaters? What about guys who get "lucky"???

Who has the most career Texas Leaguers? Who reached first on blown umpire calls the most in June 2007? Which pitcher gets balls called as strikes to batters who are taking pitches? Who has the highest OPS during a Full Moon?

Don't weigh everything and expect to find a clean cut answer, Math-heads. The world - like the matter in your egg-shaped heads - is full of gray; especially when you want - so badly - for it to all be black and white.

So....
What's the moral of the Story?
Math is addictive and it can ruin your life!

Number yourself all you want. Just remember, dear Statheads, you can't spell numbers without NUMB.

Goodbye, Norma Jean... I mean "Red Light Curt" - A Very Non-Objective View Of A Legend's Mythical Journey

2009-03-23T17:56:00.004-07:00

So Curt Schilling announced his retirement today. It is a very special day, indeed.

I guess he felt it was time to steal another headline. Why not? Especially with Spring Training in full swing, with the World Baseball Classic dominating the collective consciousness, with the Sweet Sixteen defining itself and with the NFL draft right around the corner...

I don't like Curt Schilling. I believe him to be a total ass; a prima donna, a diva, a Queen and many other slang terms I usually never need to express myself. He's foolishly arrogant, insolent, smug, prideful, egotistic, full of himself, haughty and utterly obsessed with being in love with himself. I will state publicly - If he was a black man most people's opinions of him would be much like that of the general public opinion of Terrell Owens or Barry Bonds.

Yet, there are so many people in the world that don't view Curtis Montague Schilling the way I do. That's fine - you've all been fooled!

Let's take a step back and let me also state: I am very impressed with his willingness to openly take on the Mighty Yankees repeatedly over the course of his career. Of course, Yankee Hater Curt didn't come into existence until AFTER Randy Johnson carried the 2001 Diamondbacks over the vaunted Yankees - and Curt saw the opportunity brewing. Fairness obliges me to say this - His "Aura and Mystique are strippers" quote was classic.

He spent FAR too much time needlessly defending himself in public view, on his blog, calling in to talk radio shows - this is a putrid act from my perception; and even by his very own (and loudly proclaimed) "professional ethics"... talk should be done on the field of play. And don't even get me started on how he interjected his political beliefs into his own personal "Aura and Mystique". Don't get me started on how many ex-teammates he never introduced himself to or took the time to be a teammate with. Don't get me started on how public image was a greater concern to him than facing up to reality. And don't get me started about what people within the game feel about the all-consuming Superstar known simply as "Red Light Curt".

He shoved his way into being some sort of knowledgable and leading figure for all professional players to resemble and follow. He squawked loudly that steroids were wrong, about what it meant to be a teammate, about how professioanls act - ALWAYS mounting his high horse for public consumption. I (and many others like me) was never fooled, Curt. We know you played on the '93 Phillies and we know you took "greenies" (amphetemines which are every bit as illegal as steroids), we know the "Bloody Sock" was bullshit and even if the blood was real (it wasn't), you could have NOT played it up to more than it was. But then you wouldn't have been Curt Schilling, would you?

I do - sadly - think he's going to get into the Hall of Fame

However, I DON'T think of him as a Hall of Famer. And I definitely don't think he belongs in. I think he reaped a tremendous pile of creedit for which he did not deserve (See a STACKED Red Sox team that got him 2 rings and a "Chosen" D-Backs team that would have won without/despite him). He never won a Cy Young (he was 3 times a bridesmade), he never was the best pitcher in his league, and he was RARELY the best pitcher even on his own team (Tommy Greene, Randy Johnson, Pedro Martinez, Josh Beckett)!!! He was a 6 time all-star and started twice (Dave Stieb was a 7 time All-Star who started twice) and he never finished better than 10th in any MVP vote. Although he twice led his league in Wins and Strikeouts he never won an ERA title.

(Curt was tattooed by MLB hitters 347 times in the regular season)

He came into the league as a power thrower from the bullpen in the late 80's. During the latter part of his career, he was a craftier pitcher and displayed very fine control numbers as expressed by his k-bb ratios (No one is beating down Tommy Bond's door to put him in the Hall for his excellent K-BB ratio; nor Doug Jones, nor Ben Sheets, Bret Saberhagen et al). He was by all statistical and/or popular definition, "Clutch" in the postseason (but so was Lonnie Smith, Dave Henderson, Gene Tenace, Billy Hatcher, Lenny Dykstra and Jack Morris). Regardless, we're still talking about a pitcher whose career is favorable similar to that of Kevin Brown, Bob Welch and Orel Hershiser - ALL three of whom had dominant postseason performances and oddly enough, roughly the same amount of career wins (all within 11 wins of each other)- except Welch and Hershiser each won a Cy Young award during their career.

Hell, Vida Blue had an MVP and Cy Young and just as many postseason heroics as Schilling and he'll never sniff Cooperstown. If you think that Schilling is a Hall of Famer, I can't wait to hear your theories on Brown, Welch, Hershiser or even a pitcher MORE deserving than the lot - Jack Morris.

Sure Curt has one of those magical* numbers to help his cause - 3000+ K's. But so does Bert Blyleven - who has 70 more wins and nearly 600 more strikeouts and ALSO played in an era where batters struck out less than during Schilling's era.

Curt slapped his name on a lot of charitable causes for a reason

Schilling finagled his way out of Philly, burned his way out of Arizona and hung around for reflected glory in Boston. He was an attention leech, a media sucker and slimeball who only worried about one thing - being "Red Light Curt". He only wanted to be "on the record" and he only wanted whatever credit could be doled out while deflecting ANY and ALL blame. He constantly was praised for charitable work he was responsible for but the root of that effort was a sham - or at least the doings of his equally loudmouthed wife Shonda. Their method was to scream loudly about their "good work" so no one could ever see through the mirage of their fakeness. Curt Schilling pursued charitable work out of guilt or personal tragedy not out of a kind, caring, giving heart as he tries so hard to have you believe.

Note: I don't bash the charities he's aided, nor do I disrespect the results of his faked efforts. I bash his motivation - personal gain for doing "good". I see his charity work as no different than Charles Manson speaking righteously about the life of Jesus.

Also Note: Curt Schilling was paid more than $114 million dollars in salary during his career. I'm not saying what level of charity is "acceptable" for any person but there's a lot of non-hundred-millionaires in the world giving more of their time and energy and not asking for ANY publicity. Just saying.

Burner of Bridges

Anyone who could be badmouthed - as Curt Schilling was - by former Arizona Diamondbacks owner/Classiest Guy in Sports Jerry Colangelo should be forever banished to the public consciousness' Stockade of Shame. Colangelo didn't just push/shove Curt to the Red Sox, he would have done dirty and disgusting deeds to make sure the deal would get done. Every player in the Diamondback's clubhouse unanimously agreed that he needed to go and even the self-righteous/diva-ish at times/supposed friend and compadre Randy Johnson publicly admitted he could not wait to see him leave! Yet Curt had us all believe that the trade was some mastermind doing of his own geniusness.

He was traded three times before becoming a Phillie (in a deal for Jason Grimsley, oddly enough). There's not much evidence that he was traded those first three times simply because he was an intolerable buffoon, but a case could be made when you analyze the trades and see he was the "throw in" and not the active prinicple until the Grimsley deal.
Let us recap: The Phillies (who also couldn't wait to dump his cancerous and devisive personality) got Travis Lee, Omar Dahl, Nelson Figeroa and Vincente Padilla in return for him... Think about it. Did the D-Backs fleece the Phillies or did the Phillies just take whatever they could get? Think about it further and you'll realize the Phillies graciuosly and willingly fleeced themsleves in the deal.

Let us recap: The D-Backs got a whopping, mind-blowing package of Casey "Hit 'Em to Where They Can't See 'em" Fossum, Brandon Lyon, Jorge De La Rosa and minor leaguer Michael Goss for the "dominant" righthander. Did the D-Backs get robbed blind or was there something else? No need to call Columbo...

Sure, the Red Sox got all they could handle with Curt. And he was a perfect fit! The Duke of Mouth didn't fluster a clubhouse with two affluently petulant superheros (Manny Ramirez and Pedro Martinez) simply because Curt didn't speak Spanish. The Red Sox - who seem to have been dysfunctional since time began due to geographical, social and logistical reasons - had a bigger battle on their hands (getting big enough to take on Big Brother; the Yankees) than to care for any damage he could do in that clubhouse. He was a largemouthed bass in a pool of ducks. He was harmless in any effort to damage the hodge podge of bogus personalities already in place.

And he still made himself bigger than Babe Ruth to the lemming-ish "Red Sox Nation".

Stay Far Away From the Microphones and Cameras, PLEASE!!!

If any person on this planet not named Rachel Ray stands a chance of singularly making my TV experiences more miserable than Mr. Tim McCarver, it is Red Light Curt... God, PLEASE do not do this to me!!! I had to deal with him when I lived in Philadelphia, when I moved to Phoenix and then watched as his "Journey" moved on to the 24/7 experience of the Northeast Bias channel.

PLEASE let the suffering end!!! (And while you're at it God, a McCarver-Ray head on automobile collison is not too much to ask, is it?)

Dear reader, don't you fail to note for even a second that Today, the day of the last great Curt Schilling tememed news wire (fat chance) it is March 23rd, 2009 but Curt Schilling will forever tout ad nauseum that his final appearance on a big league mound was "as it should be" - a World Series win... in october 2007.

So go long into that great good night and though I could never pray enough that you will be silenced and rendered impotent in the public eye, good riddance - FINALLY!

Regretting Regretting

2009-03-19T07:14:00.004-07:00

Regrets, I’ve had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
- “My Way” as recorded by Frank Sinatra

Regrets; we all know them. Some are more potent than others. They poke at us when we want to forget them most. They all stick to us like burrs on a hunting dog’s fur. They make us who we are because they come from who we weren’t. Even the great ones have them.

Hunter S. Thompson, one of America’s true original artists and one of the select handpicked few journalists that could overwhelmingly succeed at making any event enthralling – whether sports related or otherwise – had a tremendous regret: The Rumble in the Jungle.

HST was sent to Zaire to cover Muhammad Ali, his fellow Kentuckian in a battle against the predominant power puncher in his time George Foreman. Thompson met with his wildly talented friend and illustrator Ralph Steadman in Zaire and the event was to be covered in that “Gonzo” styling that had descriptively blown into bits and reassembled the Hell’s Angels, the ’72 Campaign Trail, even chasing down the American Dream in a fearful and loathable Las Vegas. The fight which grew into its own epic organically was primed to be another instant journalistic classic – both cult and natural.

But Thompson never wrote the story. It was his great regret.

As we all know now, Ali outlasted the bigger stronger Foreman and shocked the world despite his vocal bravado and oral brashness. He backed it all up with his body, brains and courage. Thompson thought he knew for sure that his friend from Louisville was toast and couldn’t bear to see the carnage… let alone have to tell the tale afterwards under an imposing deadline. So he gave away his press passes (both his own and to Steadman’s dismay, his illustrator’s/boxing enthusiast’s pass as well) and went swimming in the hotel pool and sipped beers instead thinking about how he could write about experiencing everything EXCEPT the fight to justify the expenditures of his assignment.

Except… Oops! When Ali won, there was no other story. It was THE story – a story that still screams today.

Sure, Thompson missed out on other moments that he could have smashed into bits and put together again with a wisdom only he possessed. It wasn’t always as simple as letting a deadline pass, sometimes it was just the way it had to be – he couldn’t turn Gonzo on whenever he wished and he couldn’t accept anything less than his best. He was there in the fall of Saigon and never submitted a story. He never wrote about Watergate – which is amazing if you think about how much he despised Dick Nixon. No matter how much you can appreciate the moments of triumph, the soul of we, the readers is a devouring beast that wonders why there wasn’t more “magic”… why we don’t have more disgusting beauty to consume… why an American Giant of Storytelling could be so utterly human just like us.

Make the most of your regrets;
Never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it come to have a separate and integral interest.
To regret deeply is to live afresh.
- Henry David Thoreau

Sometimes I sit and think about moments I missed out on – ESPECIALLY when it comes to sports; namely playing baseball.

I think of all the pitches I wish I made instead of those I did, of errors due to mental mistakes instead of fluid physical movements that I had drilled into my utter being through endless sweaty hours of practice, of hitters I drilled in the ribs – maybe not to “do over” but just to experience it one more time. It’s been more than a dozen years since I hurled a pearl and a batter/unsuspecting victim! My mind feels like my body is still in that place - despite my current (older, creakier and appreciably fatter) condition – I can still feel the moment; the air, the ambiance, the grind of competition, the sound of the bustling crowd of dozens, the want of victory… I can still mentally “feel” my delivery, my arm slot and angle, the balance points, the release, my general lack of a follow through and the outcome.

Despite all of these feelings that I can recall so vividly, so clearly, so ‘right here now’-ish – the joy of spectacular effort providing fruition, the moments of physical triumph overcoming physical exhaustion, the sweet sip of victory’s nectar… moments of “leaving it all on the field”. I can recall them when I want. There are those regrets that remind me – I don’t have to ‘try’ to remember them. You can’t escape regerets.

Regretting… all those times I’ve spent regretting.
Remembering all those things you can never forget.
- “Regretting” as recorded by Manny Stiles

As my personal regrets pertain to sports journalism and my experience on the internet there are many regrets. I jumped in head-first into what I thought were deep waters. Perhaps it was naïveté, perhaps it was my stubborn belief that people aren’t complete fakes when they can assume a sense of anonymity (yeah, I guess it IS naïveté) but the Internet seemed to me in 2006 as a deep ocean of possibilities (creatively, socially and expression-ly) only to find myself here three years later bruised, battered and beaten down from diving into crags, rocks with firmly mounted, self-important, all-knowingly and mind-numblingly witless barnacles called “bloggers”.

I regret having to explain myself – even once – in that my “online persona” just happens to be no different than my “Extranet” being. I am a mixed bag indeed but there is nothing to explain for I am really just who I am – which gleefully, is who I WANT to be. I regret taking pride in defending “my turf” instead of remaining objective to the matter – I took being a part of ArmchairGM as a badge of pride. It was fun for me to say that I was contributing to something I felt was worthwhile – a slightly less shallow pool in the urine puddle of sports websites. I regret expecting anything near the effort I put into the site from anyone else.

I regret that it’s a possibility anyone has a reason to think I am a problem, a nuisance, a detriment to this site – but that’s what the experts call a YOU problem, not a “me” problem. I’ve given far more than I ever dared to take.

I have many regrets and I'm sure everyone does.
The stupid things you do, you regret?
If you have any sense and if you don't regret them maybe you're stupid.
- Katherine Hepburn

My Sports Regrets

I regret not trying harder to get press passes to the Super Bowl in Glendale in 2007 (by “harder” I mean “at all”)

I regret not going to any of the games (1,2,6,7) of the 2001 World Series. I was not a Diamondbacks fan but I hated the Yankees, so I should have gone anyway! Oddly enough, I also regret never seeing a game at Yankee Stadium.

I regret not attending any of games 3,4,5 of the 1993 World Series as even though I was not a Phillies fan, I was living in Philly at that time.

I regret trying out for the Cubs in 1994. I tried out for a couple other teams and was scouted throughout 1992-1994 (make no mistake, I had the physical tools but I know I didn’t have the makeup or support system to have ever been more than a AA scrub) but it was at that invite camp in Quakertown, PA that I first felt “that pain” in my shoulder and was indeed the beginning of the end for my playing career. I regret that I tried to impress a handful of scouts only two days after striking out 12 and allowing 2 hits in 8 innings – which was attended by some of the same scouts. I should have never thrown a single pitch that day – but as invincible as I was then in those days I stupidly and unimpressively pitched to 8 batters. I also regret that a fellow Temple University pitcher was signed from the same camp that day – and made it all the way to a short career as a AA scrub.

I regret not shoving Jose Canseco back when he threw a shoulder into me at a baseball card convention in 1988. Sure, I was barely 15 at the time but I was already taller than him (maybe he shoved me out of envy of my height; or more likely ‘roid rage) and what was he going to do to a kid? Kids nowadays would do it with the bravery knowing a lawsuit was a slam dunk.

I regret letting my brothers and their threats of lawsuits de-rail, taint and suck the joy out of my “Tampa Bay Rays Charity Blogger” experience. Their ignorance, closed-mindedness and social retardedness was my motivation in pursuing the experience in the first place. But when the ball started rolling and luck shined on me, they changed the tone of my effort and essentially bullied me into submission. By the time I tried to pick up the pieces again in June, the damage was done and the thrill was gone. I haven’t spoken with either of those two since and I will beat their asses the next time I see them. And I won’t regret that!

I regret not harassing the Yankees clubhouse more when I had the chance.

I regret not asking Elijah Dukes to come back to my house to share some bong hits. I felt so sorry for that guy (the day of the “You Dead, Dawg!” and calling into the Tampa radio show ‘event’, when the Rays were in Phoenix) and he clearly needed someone to get him stoned. But maybe if I did, I would have regretted messing with a Bull (-sized human being in an unstable place in his life). I don’t regret stating profusely that he is NOT a bad guy or defending him (or Delmon Young for that matter).

I regret not writing more about Matt LaPorta.

I regret not doing an in-depth interview with Arizona Fall League creator and former MLB GM/multiple Exec-of-the-year award winner Rollie Hemond. I had many conversations with him during my time at AFL but never bothered to ask him to sit down so I could pick his brain and hear the tales he lived through... duh.

I regret not thoroughly interviewing Evan Longoria at Arizona Fall League in 2007 instead of just babbling, goo-goo and gah-gaahing at him. I guess that goes for J.P. Arencibia as well in 2008.

I regret not harassing Jimmy Rollins more when I had the chance (November 2008, just a few weeks after the World Series). I ESPECIALLY regret not wearing my Rays hat that night as well.

I regret not shoving my way around the track at my (so far) only NASCAR event but – to be honest – I didn’t really know what I was doing there anyway.

I regret not forcing Sports Shaman into doing a tarot reading for the entire NCAA tournament this year.

I regret throwing away a crap load of what would have been decent articles as comments when no one reads them anyway.

I regret not having more interesting and funny things to regret.

And then there’s the one regret that I have that I can still remedy: I regret making every article idea turn into an epic. I am long for words and expansive on ideas but I have learned that this one regret is lesson in distribution, not productivity. From now on, I will aim for a mix of quality and quantity without proportion; not attempting to cram both worlds into one. Unless the concept absolutely requires it, I won’t be posting more than 1,000-1,200 words in an article any more. I’ve finally given into the game everyone else plays. And I’m wasting my time spitting, pissing and vomiting my words into the wind.

Maybe that will be my next regret…

How now, my lord, why do you keep alone,
Of sorriest fancies your companions making,
Using those thoughts which should indeed have died
With them they think on? Things without all remedy
Should be without regard: what's done, is done.
- Lady MacBeth as written (supposedly) by William Shakespeare in the play MacBeth

What are your great sports regrets?
So – the comments section is down there.

Open Mic Snobs vs. Karaoke Elitists/Queens: An Expose on Sucking at Sucking

2009-03-11T10:16:00.013-07:00

I don't claim to be the greatest or most technically proficient musician or vocalist in the world but I can fake it well enough and I love to entertain a crowd. I attend open mic nights and karaoke events whenever I can. It's fun to me. I love music, I love making a total ass out of myself and these things usually occur at establishments with liquor licenses. It's a perfect storm for some wilings and stilings. But I am a world-class critic and easily dis-entertained by things most people wouldn't care to notice let alone by which to feel annoyed. Alas, there is heaven and hell, fire and ice, friction and lubrication with everything in life - so it goes with Open Mic nights and Karaoke bars.

Three things you can count on from Mr. Manny Stiles - as an artist - is as follows: something different, something interesting (at best or at worst) and something you wouldn't have ever considered doing. That's not only true for my "music" but any creation I undertake - as indicated by my writings in this blog, for example.

Maybe I don't have the same outlook or hard and fast rules of public behavior as most and maybe I don't follow all the accepted guidelines of the proper procedures for artistic conduct but I don't hold anyone to my mores and predetermined/prejudged methods either. I mean, I'm not shitting all over the stage and smearing it on myself and calling it "art" but from a theoretical and expressionist view - perhaps I am.

There's always going to be people in any organized realm that think they know better for everyone. People who think they are the "In crowd" unwittingly serving the purpose of "biggest suckers"/"beloved patrons". They occur in every realm. These are the same type of people who know every detail about the next soon-to-be-marketed blockbuster movie, the latest gossip about the most minor and forgettable Hollywood 'starlet' and all the essential manipulations to --- insert a science fiction/fantasy realm game/book/what-have-you here ----. They are consumers at large to the most devouring order. They take non-essential knowledge and apply a distorted value to it to greater fluff their listless egos.

These are the same people who despite all this intricate knowledge and minutia in wares of entertainment probably couldn't tell you the name of their next door neighbor, spend more time and money on television/computer leisure and anaerobic indoor recreation than their mental, physical or spiritual well being and certainly rarely get the opportunity to locate Dr. Grafenberg's spot. Their heaven on earth is a selfish environment of escapism and futilely non-social. Consuming the product is more important than poking one's head behind the veil of illusion. That's the way the game works - all behind the veil know how much it sucks and also know that they are out of business if everyone lost that magic ability to suspend their disbelief (or grow a sense of disbelief in some people's case).

Regardless, these people exist across the spectrum of life's experiences. I only use the movie/video game/techno nerd as an example because 1) we ALL know at least one of these dorks, 2) they are easy to pick on and 3) I'm definitely not one of them! Sure, I could have used fish geek aquariasts, green-thumbed amateur botanists, kitchen-scratchers (at-home tattoo artists), Internet reverends, bastardized Anthony Bourdains or wannabe gynecologists-at-large... all of which yes, I am guilty as self-imposed. For anyone like myself who has a passion, a hobby, an activity of instant bliss, an all-powerful obsession... we all are "specialists" without proper certification in our own little worlds. We are all pseudo-celebrities to our own fan base.

In the life-affirming realm of Open Mic night, these walking hat racks are called "snobs". These are usually guys in cover tune garage bands that have too narrow a musical palate, are overly dedicated to one finite (and typically out-dated) genre or seemingly only know how to play only the same 4-7 songs (if that) over and over ad nauseum. These people have an air of importance that rivals any bonafide Rock Star's. And it's not just an exercise in inward projection turned outward, it's not just masturbation of the ego and it's not just utter ignorance.

It's the lights. It's the stage. It's adrenaline. It's a disproportionate understanding of the universal order. It's the ability to say "Thank you" to a crowd when you really mean "Fuck you for not loving me MORE! Now pay me your meager alms, you pigfuckers!",

Most Open Mic snobs fail to realize that small moment where it's a rush to them, but a drag to us. That just because our ears are open it doesn't mean we wish we could cut them off. That a good majority of the crowd is there for one of two reasons 1) it's a bar or 2) they're just waiting for THEIR turn and - here's the kicker - just because we're clapping, it isn't necessarily "applause". Sometimes a clap is an expression of relief more than of support.

Karaoke Elitists/Queens are a similar breed to Open Mic Snobs except on the grand scheme of things they are FAR weaker in courage and further down the artistic ladder due to the nature of the beast. Most Open mic night "All-Stars" are typically engaged in helping to create the music where as the Open Mic Elitists/Queens are singing to pre-recorded tracks. Many people find it easier to sing than to play an instrument in front of a crowd. Think about it, there's a reason people play "air guitar" than lip-synching. There's far more people singing in the shower than playing a musical instrument in the shower. And save for "steering wheel drums" the same is true while driving about in the family automobile.

BUT, Karaoke Elitists/Queens are far and away more vile and disgusting creeps when it comes to their levels of self importance. Lead Vocalist Syndrome has killed many a successful band on this premise and devoured countless groups before the wheels of success ever touched the ground. Nothing succumbs to the power of a microphone in the hands of a person who fails to notice that the sound of their voice INSIDE their head (where the ear ACTUALLY functions) does differ from the sound outside their head (where our ears ACTUALLY function). It's a small bit of information to put in your pocket - it's the reason everyone seems to think their voice sounds "different" when they hear it recorded. No, Elitist/Queen THAT IS ACTUALLY YOUR VOICE being produced by your vocal cords and your ears receiving those sound waves when they are resonating further than 2-3 inches apart from each other in your gigantic, dense gourd you call a head!!!

To make matters worse - remember those movie/TV/computer "In Crowd" peoples I mentioned earlier? These morons are now being empowered by their outlets of consumption to join the fray as so-called participants. For every viewer of American Idol is another Karaoke Elitist just waiting to sip the nectar of the spotlight. For every Rock Band video game enthusiast is another otherwise fine 6-string gently weeping while gathering more and more dust. Unawareness breeds with itself and makes a nasty concoction of putrid filth for the rest of us - who care about the world in which we are participating - to sort through/tolerate/make fun of on our puny blogs to save money we would otherwise burn on therapy.

Oh gee, another drunk girl plowing through a Dixie Chicks song... awesome. Another hack painfully beating on an innocent guitar while anti-rhythmically fumbling through "All Along the Watchtower". Great. Where's my cyanide capsules when I need them? No, I'm not "better" than these people nor do I feel more righteous or more superior just because they can suck the life out of a room faster than ricin. I feel sorry for them. Sorry to the point that I wish I was dead instead of living in a world were these fucksticks will walk off stage - GLOWING - as if they just won the lottery, a Nobel prize and two Oscars at the same time; empowered to return next week with - oh, so predictably - the very same, exact bag of trick (Yes, such a delightful bag of trick) for our utter bemusement, once again. Huzzah!

To be fair, Snobs and Elitists/Queens are NOT to be confused with people of exceptional talent. people with true artistic talent and expression are welcomed to be the biggest assholes in the world as long as their production doesn't suffer the consequences. I've always believed that when it comes to true talent and proven expertise, there is ALWAYS room for entitlement - IN THAT REALM. There's no reason Michael Jordan should expect anything less than for me to fellate him in exchange for a game of H-O-R-S-E; but he has no right to expect the same from his doctor, accountant or even the incompetent buffoons working at PetSmart. Entitlement stays only in your realm.

Then there are the occasional, freek people like myself that are from the other end of the spectrum - no, the other end... like the back edge of the spectrum - genuinely talentless AND enthusiastically anti-caring of your preconceptions or judgments! I'm going up there for one purpose only - to defy the rules and to do my best to make you shit your pants laughing. I only have fun when everyone else has fun with me!

So next time I'm at your local open mic performing some variation of "Clit Licker in a Cocksucker's World", "I Gotta Kill My Fucking Cat" or "Shut Up and Blow Me" or at your favorite karaoke bar wailing out "I Touch Myself", "Genie in a Bottle" or "It's Raining Men", don't fret - you'll get a mind full of imagery you probably weren't expecting and didn't seek, a belly full of chuckles without hurting your eardrums and definitely your money's worth (mostly because I REFUSE to perform at any establishment that charges a cover charge for these events) - just buy me a drink and we'll loudly and obnoxiously criticize the snobs and Elitists/Queens together!

Conglomerated Realmspace (200903A)

2009-03-05T01:47:00.008-07:00

Life in a Northern Town by Manny Stiles

Traverse City, MI - In case you didn't know already, I have relocated from the Valley of the Sun to the Cherry Capital of the World, Traverse City, Michigan. I traded "it's a dry heat" for "you need to wear layers". Far, far away from any serious metropolis, between the pinky and the ring finger of the Lower Peninsula/"mitt", is a quaint, get-away-from-it-all town at the base of a smaller peninsula at the bottom of the two arms of Grand Traverse Bay.

It might as well be Canada.

Luckily (that's sarcasm) Mr. Stiles arrived in town in the dead of the deadest winter in most Local's memories. Colder, Snowier and Drearier (Yes, they are capital words in this sentence) than any Winter on record - and topping off the proverbial fun is a local feeling that not even the almighty President Obama can inspire hope ''here''. There are undertones of despair for the economy (unemployment is drastically high locally), there is little hope for the future (schools, public servant-ry and local government are threatened by cutbacks/closures and all scarily under-funded and under-supported) and the flavor of the local "sports" scene is - at least to this metropolitan-tinged author, in a newly invented word - beyondesolate.

But this is the price you pay to be "on the water" and far away from "the rat race", traffic and pollution; far away from the "ghettos", gangs and urban warfare; far away from likely terrorist targets, nuclear mishaps or imminent disasters that threaten life in the population hubs. It's ''nearly'' life as it should be - living for life's sake; living off the land; living at your own pace; life under the dome of sky and Sun. Yes, time moves slower here and what dominates the sports scene isn't the usual/typical fare.

Sure, it's easy to trash a local sports scene when the [[Detroit Lions]] are prominently involved, but even the Mighty [[Detroit Red Wings]] are a veritable blip in this town - and this is the town in which the Red Wings hold their Preseason Camp! I've met ONE die-hard Tigers fan and I'm not sure anyone follows the Pistons beyond whether they won or lost last night. Sports is the residual conversation when all the typical talk of the weather, hunting, fishing, fixing boats/snow machines/tractors/shotguns/tools/snowplows/snowblowers/other assorted vehicles, Michael Moore (he's a much ballyhooed and very disliked "local"), views on politics, Fudgies (the bastards from "Down State"), Youpers (the bastards from the Upper Peninsula) and all things religion has dried up.

It's a different fan base - an invisible glow of supreme not caring; it's as if Sports isn't one of the basic life needs! I know! Can you imagine? No, professional sports is a prime resident of Back Burnerville here in the great "Up North". I might be the only "Sports is my Crack"-head in the surrounding five counties!

The local TV sports coverage often starts out with ''High School'' Girls basketball!!! Maybe I really am "too urban" (grew up in Philly, spent nearly a decade in Phoenix) for Cherryville, U.S.A. but the only time I've ever seen High School girls basketball on the news is... well... NEVER! Snowmobile races, cross country skiing, even the local fishing and hunting reports get priority coverage over the pro sports teams in Detroit or even NASCAR - yes, even NASCAR is an after-afterthought. And I'm cool with it.

Sure, it's a change of pace; closer to the Earth and in tune with the surroundings more. Hell, I love fishing - really do (when the ice is melted)!. I love eating recently slaughtered game for dinner, I have a nice garden to tend to this year (I'm very excited about that) and I might even ride a snow machine eventually... it's kind of relaxing being disconnected from the "mainstream" media. My blood pressure is certifiably "normal", I don't wake up with the shakes for the latest "Top Story" (which always seem to be recycled/repackaged "Old" stories with a spiffy new shine) on the foul-ish four-letter network and what-used-to-be-necessary news is now a casual "meh" by all regards. I've got a new perspective on the Sports World and on life in general. I used to think "It is what it is" but now I realize "it is what you make it out to be".

Life in a Northern Town has been good for me so far. The days are slower, I'm learning more than I ever thought I would know about shotguns - without even trying - just by overhearing conversations, I'm enjoying time more and so what if Spring Training has started and it was a balmy -11 degrees (that's Fahrenheit) yesterday?

Pardon me as I get back to sorting my flannel shirts by color.

Crumbs in the 'Chair by Manny Stiles
NBA Division
*So the Suns (namely GM/Robert Sarver's Knobshiner Steve Kerr) fired Terry Porter then blamed the team for not playing tougher defense. Oddly enough, just a few measly weeks ago that same GM/Knobshiner TRADED AWAY THE TEAM'S two best defensive players (Raja Bell and Boris Diaw) for JASON RICHARDSON!!! Gotta love that anti-logic!

*Mavericks, Suns... Doesn't matter who gets that Number 8 seed in the West. Seriously, it doesn't matter!

*LeBron is at that stage where it's put up or prepare for the end. He's got a team around him that is suitable and capable enough. If he doesn't take them to the Championship this year - whether he leaves Cleveland or not - he will NEVER win a Championship. The field is ripe for picking.

*The Celtics are vulnerable (and old).

*The Magic are young and inexperienced.

*Don't let the Lakers fool you - they can win one game at a time and perhaps endure long enough to win the #1 seed in the West, but they are not built for a tough series with a dominant swing player like #23.

*Besides, the Spurs are the REAL team to beat in the West - Despite adding the human monkeywrench in the works, Drew Gooden.

*LeBron is teetering on "The Moment". He's as good as we all think he is, but if he's going to be as great as we think he should be - NOW - is the time! If he goes to another city, his star celebrity (and contract) will handcuff the franchise. Stars carry teams, but teams win Championships!

MLB Division
*I like what the Yankees and Red Sox have done in the offseason - tore up their blueprints and reacted to the Rays. The Rays are still going according to planned, even if they were one year ahead of schedule...

*The Yankees are going to struggle with cohesion (but could still win 120 games on paper) and the new additions will have to adjust to the toxicity of the Big Apple spotlight. Me thinks Tex and CC aren't exactly ultra-suited for the onslaught and will press too hard to make good impressions - or failing to make good impressions, will drown in over-weighted expectations.

*The Red Sox got old.... quick! The additions they made were of little consequence. I love John Smoltz, but 'John Smoltz, Red Sox pitcher' REEKS of the Pete Rose game. Nice knowing you, Smoltzie!

*What's weirder? John Smoltz, Red Sox, or Garrett Anderson, Braves? Guys playing that long with one franchise and leaving for another is never a winning combination.

*I know what's weirder: [[Randy Johnson]], San Francisco Giant. HOW did this take so long??? All players over 6'8" should automatically be assigned to the Giants. it just makes sense!

*Weirder yet.... Ken Griffey Jr., Seattle Mariners... Poor guy. I know striking out to end the ALDS against the Rays wasn't how you wanted to go out, but this REALLY won't end pretty. Nostalgia is over-rated, though I suppose it pays well.

*Why do I have the feeling that we'll hear more about [[Curt Schilling]] and [[Barry Bonds]] than any of us wants to, wishes to or deserves to? The only "happy ending" to their careers would be if they were locked in a small room together so they could inflate their egos until they both died and left us all alone!

*Maybe the Tigers will have a 2009 that was supposed to be their 2008?

*Can someone call the people at one of the leading toothpick manufacturers (I'm assuming there is more than one) and get Dusty Baker an endorsement deal before it's too late? Maybe it is already too late.

*The Cubs - HA HA HA HA HA Ha hahahahahahha!!! Yeah. (wipes tear from eye) Sorry, that had to be done.

*$100 says Frankie Rodriguez doesn't break the NL saves record.

*$100 says [[Jose Reyes]] is certain to start the season off with a bang! And then he'll get injured.

*The Phillies took a step backward. I know they didn't necessarily love Pat "the Twat" Burrell, but Raul Ibanez is far more myth than legend. Plus, now that Brad Lidge exercised his demons, isn't it time for him to become Brad Lidge again? Yeah, I think so. But don't think this is me rooting for the Mets, Braves or Marlins.

*What can Evan Longoria do to better his 2008? Anything Evan Longoria wants! Take note - NO Rays player had a career year! Longo, C.C., B.J., Kaz, Carlos Pena, Dioner Navarro... these guys ALL missed significant chunks of their respective season. A HEALTHY Rays club has no limits - hype, pressure, expectations? Throw 'em out the window if this team stays healthy in 2009. They're only getting BETTER!

*I want to like the Washington Nationals. I really do. Maybe if I start to like them, they can get good next year! Without the mad hatter, a.k.a. Jim Bowden around, it's not impossible!

*I'm glad no one made me into a Royals fan. I simply don't understand what they are pretending to do. It's not just sad, it bafflingly sad.

*Here's hoping Manny Ramirez doesn't stimulate the economy too much. I pity the Dodgers. Someone should shove a stick in them and lick their stickiness until you get to the chewy center.

*In case you missed the memo, the 1999 All-Star Reunion Tour is showing exclusively in Oakland. See? A bad economy IS good for the small-market teams! At least until May. Hope there's enough ben-gay to go around!

*The Toronto Blue Jays got better and no one will notice - except the Orioles.*The WBC is going to be a ratings screamer. If you have an ample supply of nitrous oxide and amyl nitrates on hand. I love baseball as much as anyone but I cannot force myself to get excited for this...

Special Dedication
"Goodbye, Good Friend"
It comes with sadness that I dedicate this post to my loving friend and companion who recently passed away. He was always there when I needed him and never complained (much) about me or the things I did that make me who I am. He was kind, shared his heart passionately with me and we had a special bond that I can never dream to replace or find again. As he died quietly in my arms yesterday, he took a beautiful, special piece of me with him...

He was a cherished member of my family. But after days and weeks of suffering, he finally and thankfully found his peace.

I will miss you, my family will miss you and your brother will miss you!

You were the best cat I'll ever know!

R.I.P. Ricardo Alphonso Grometti-Kombol, a.k.a. "Grommet" (2001 - 2009)

Suggestion Box
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Manny Stiles takes the Big Splash on MFK

2008-01-08T10:18:00.001-07:00

(originally posted at monsterfishkeepers.com)

What took me so long?

Hello! You have no idea what you might be in for!

I'm obsessed with my fish. Not in a Troy McClure way, but not far from it. I study, read about, obsess over and stare at my fish for a large part of an average day. My wife, my kids and my other pets deep down inside wish they recieved the attentiveness that my aquarian friends do...

The tanks are my solace, and their inhabitants are my soap operas. I am at peace when I am cleaning a filter. I am one with ohm when I vaccum substrate. I dream in H2O. I have eyelids and I don't have gills, but sometimes... I don't have to imagine very hard to know how they would feel if I did... I was probably a fish in a past life (or two). And I most likely probably eaten by a guy just like me!

Fish is mmm, mmm good food, too!I enjoy catching (and many times releasing), gutting (and examining), cooking (Got recipes?) and eating (I can eat more than you) fish as well. And don't get me started on the topic of sushi!!!

When I die, I want to sleep with the fishes (since not too many fish would eat my ashes).

Thank God for the Fifth Day.

Obviously, I enjoy writing as well as many other hobbies (thus, "Manny Stiles") but despite my array of time consuming pursuits I look back and have no idea how I existed before I owned an aquarium!

Welcome me aboard y'all! I want to keep you as entertained as well as you have already kept me informed!!!I've been here 3 times and I LOVE this site@!!!

About me - I'm OUT there... google my user name (if you dare) - believe it all and disregard it just the same. Normally, I write about sports - I am a Tampa Bay Rays fan, but not because the are fish, nor because a ray killed Steve Irwin... long story... but I wanted to share my passion of aquaria by whirring it in my blender of Stilistic wordcrafting/destroying the typical standards for story construction. There, you have effectively been warned!

I am the "pet" of a Blue Cherax Crayfish (Carl Crawfish), adored by my other crustaceans (I have taught some of my older ghost shrimp tricks! Dave Letterman/Stupid Pet tricks, here I come!) and quality friends with my other odd arrangement of species.

If I wasn't married already and it was legal, I would marry my female Texas Cichlid "Pigger" - she is so sweet and loves me as much as I love her! She cheers me up when I am down, she loves to listen and never lets petty B.S. get between us and our dynamic relationship. Plus she never complains when I leave the toilet seat up... but she can't cook to save her life... Wifey 1, Pigger 1/2.... No doubt, I will gush disgustingly about the merits of North America's finest cichlid. And slander you with esoteric insults if you call 'em "Rio Grande Perches"... save us both the trouble and don't do it!

Anyway, prepare for the madness! I promise I really won't irritate you (too much)

__________________Excuse me as I molt my exoskeleton...

The 30 Second Promo to Spelloids: a webbing pile of blog

2007-04-10T23:22:00.000-07:00

by Senior Emanuel Estillez, aka Dr Commento, aka the shameless self promoting prick among needles, Manny Stiles...

Enjoy...

Manny Stiles accusations ARE NOT TRUE!!!!

2007-04-10T22:37:00.000-07:00

Do NOT believe THIS Promotional material. I'm way more into transexuals than strippers and coke, first of all... Or any other sarcasm from this guy, Manny Stiles.

It is bogus hype simply to boost interest in my other blogs blogs.. Go Devil Rays

(This video is not in any shape way or form representative of the views of the Tampa Bay Deil Rays baseball organization or Major League Baseball because I'd rather they talk about BASEBALL instead)

Manny Stiles Retires from Vanguard!

2007-04-05T00:44:00.000-07:00

Holy Sheet! I can't believe I finally did it! Ten days short of nine years from the first day I entered as a temp! I went from processing transactions on multi-million dollar accounts to taking phone calls and placing stock and mutual fund trades for the same multi-million dollar clients. And what do I have to show for it (other than a deep knowledge of Vanguard's systems, VAST, AWD, WAVE and CINergy, an in-depth knowledge of how attendance, performance and behavioral policies are managed and TONS of scandalous information I could NEVER, NEVER, NEVER have been able to say while I was still employed there that I can now say for the right offer...) ...pretty much nothing.

I have several book ideas I can now begin to work on and of course, my beloved Devil Rays to follow - the story if you don't know , including a trip in a few weeks to Tampa, Hometown (and beloved for LONGER) Phoenix Suns to root to a Championship Parade

So I'm a stay at home Daddy, a.k.a. Mr. Mom now. It's been a day and a half and I've already done more cleaning than I did in the last 5 years combined. Here I thought that the house mysteriously cleaned itself! Mrs Stiles is a superhero.

Next Item up to bid, MLB Fanship for 2007

2007-02-23T11:58:00.000-07:00

Check out the eBay offer

Coming Back Soon... It's an all-new Manny Stiles!

2007-01-23T00:32:00.000-07:00

My daughter drew this picture of me, I added a little touch-up, it's now another Manny Stiles logo. Note the vertical, different sized eyes...

Prepare for more spontaneous eratica! (yes, I spelled that right)

It's the least wonderful time of the year...

2006-11-03T09:10:00.000-07:00

Once again, political season is upon us. Yippee! We get to watch hundreds of commercials of people constantly slandering their opponents, all I'm left with is the name of the opponent... Who am I supposed to vote for again?

WARNING - Here comes the reant....I can't stand it! These buffoons talk about things of the past, how they did this or that... Hey, douche bags! If you want me to vote for you, tell me what you're GOING to do! And as far as slandering your opponent because they're:

-a criminal
-an adulterer
-someone who takes cash on the side
-someone who always misses votes on the floor
-an idiot

Guess what? YOU'RE ALL IDIOTS!

If you WANT to be a politician, you clearly have something wrong with you. You can say you "want to make a difference" or "want to change the world"... Guess what? YOU'RE AN IDIOT. You can make MORE change and affect the world more positively without being in a political office.

Me thinks you want to be a politician for:

-the money
-the illegal money
-the corporate interest money
-YOU'RE AN IDIOT
-the supposed prestige and power
-or possibly the money

Look... the world, our government and most decision makers are ALL stupid. People are stupid. We don't ever do what's right, we do what's right for US. If we did what's right, we'd already have hunger, cancer, AIDS and pollution eradicated. We'd have the free electricity everywhere int he world through solar collection, wind generation and get this - lightning collection. Geez, just like the guy (Edison) who paved the way for electricity usage said we should do way back before the year 1900!!!

Do you think a politician will EVER allow us to use FREE and endless resources AND give them away for FREE instead of using highly profitable (and horribly polluting) coal or even more highly profitable (and dangerously radioactive) nuclear power? Or even more highly profitable (and highly polluting and war mongering) oil??? Hell no.

Why? Because it's always been that way. Teh answers to all of our problems are SO SIMPLE that they DON'T make sense to our programmed-to-think-a-certain-way feeble little minds... What is that certain way? Don't think.

Don't think for yourself. Don't find something simpler, like collecting your rainwater to water your garden and precious green grass... Use the water from the resevoirs and from the aquafers and wells and suck the ground dry instead!!! Hell take a 500 gallon shower while you're at it, do a couple of half-loads of dishes in your dishwasher. Don't worry about the thousands of people dying around the world because they have no drinkable water, it's not your problem, right?

Don't think for yourself. Don't use a renewable resource like straw to build a house. Burn the straw, pollute the environment and use known cancer-causing and mold retaining fiberglass to insulate your house at twice the cost and a third of the effectiveness. Baled straw has an insulating factor of r50 while fiberglass is around r15. Now let the big, bad wolf know that baled straw doesn't burn. Of course, let the lumber and insulation industry just keep baled straw a big secret or laugh it off...

The answers are right before us, IDIOTS. The answers are so simple and we are so complex we'll never see it. Caveman didn't need TiVo. Egyptians didn't use computers to build the pyramids. Everything you'll ever need is right here already, yet we're looking for answers 'out there'.

Gee, just think if we took all the money we spent on going into space and fought diseases and world hunger with it instead? Where would we be today?

Where would we be if we didn't make HALF of the "blockbuster movies" (they sucked anyway) and instead used the money to support all of these worthy causes that Hollywood always SAYS they supporting? Me think AIDS would be the new smallpox and for God's sake (and every man's), breast cancer would be loooong gone!

Just think if we spent our time designing engines that run on water and have a by-product of water and oxygen instead of paying $3.00 a gallon for gas because of hyperbole and fear mongering... oh yeah, the design for the engine I describe ALREADY HAS BEEN DESIGNED. Hey, politicians WHY are we still using oil, anyway??? IDIOTS.

It "used to be" the American way to innovate and overcome obstacles as a way to provide a simpler, more effective way of life. Now we have less freedom than ever. We're tied to our cellphone, filling our SUV with 40 gallons of 94 octane or contemplating Paris Hilton's next event.

But because we're too lazy and fat to do the work up front to take care of the problems later on... of course eliminating problems before they become problems is not what humans do well. Want an example? Just take a look at Congress.

Happy Halloween (Post Script)

2006-11-01T08:18:00.000-07:00

I would have to say, this year's Halloween was the best I've ever had! Yeah, the Suns lost; big whoop it's only game one... now we know they won't be able to go 82-0. It was a GREAT Halloween for many reasons including:

*I won the Pumpkin Pie Eating Contest at work for the second year in a row!
*I got to scare the piss out of a bunch of kids (not mine)'
*My kids got to go trick-or-treating and had a ball

My 3 year old daughter dressed as a Princess AND played the role perfectly. Acting like the little princess she is... polite, courteous and absolutely thrilled to see other kids dressed up and having fun. The little girl is funny because she is completely not afraid of anything Halloweeny... She told me as the day was turning to dusk that "there would be many ghosts out tonight" and that she "is not afraid of ghosts or witches". She was watching the other kids in the neighborhood go out and she was exclaiming what they were all dressed as - "Look a Witch, Mommy! Oooh, dat one's a Pumpkin! Look, Daddy! Another Witch!!!"

My 14 month-old son earlier in the day FINALLY got his brain to click regarding this whole standing-walking perambulatory concept we all take for granted. He now "gets it" when ti comes to walking, so he'll berunnng before too long! He dressed up as a Super-baby with cape and all!

As my wife and a friend took the kids out trick or treating, I stayed at home to trick the treaters with help of my buddy John, who dressed as a Hick Farmer. He would answer the door in creepy manners and jump out at the youngsters while I peered through a window and using a microphone, some voice effects, some scary music/noise samples, a candy-laced hyper buzz and a 300 watt amplifier to scare the piss out of them!

Many kids were scared before they even got halfway up the drive! The music, noise and me bellowing "Mwuh-ha-ha!" really freeked them out! One kid inparticular was frightened so much he came up to the door by being pushed by his Mom. He was dressed as Superman so I bellowed "You're a Superhero! Don't be afraid! Superheroes LOVE candy!" and that freeked him even more! It was hilarious seeing the kids enjoy the thrill of Halloween!

There was also one little girl (I think she was a bumblebee) who came up to the door and once John opened it real fast and the wave of noise hit her, she just froze! She was solid stiff and wouldn't move! So I made some more scary noises with the effects and she stayed right there but as she opened her sack to recieve the candy, she began shaking!!! So John gave her two pieces of candy...

Meanwhile, droves of kids came to our house as my kids were out trick and/or treating. We were out of our pile of candy in 38 minutes!!! The gang of our personal candy grubbers came back just as we were hanging a "No Candy Left" sign...

But what made it so much fun was seeing the joy on my kids' faces. My son just shoved candy into his mouth (he is a serious chocoholic- he starts crying for more candy as the piece he has hits his palate!) My daughter explained over and over how she would knock on the door, say "trick or treat" they would give her candy and she would say "thank you". Maybe it was just a sheer sugar rush, but she is exuberant towards life and living and she is just so precious!
(Yeah... I could have scared her!!!)

I suppose I was just enjoying the moment due to my acute pumpkin pie overdose?!?!! I am the Two-Time Champion!!!

The World Series and other Blablings

2006-10-22T08:45:00.000-07:00

(Inhales) Yes, folks it's that time of year again!!! Fall is in the air and the Autumn classic is here again. An exciting and depressing time of year for many reasons:

-Exciting - it's the freeking World Series!!
-Depressing - these are the last baseball games until next year
-Exciting - My birthday comes every October and marks the conclusion of "Birthday Season" - aconglomerated celebration of all the family and friend's birthdays (from June to October) The big finale is today!!!
-Depressing - 11 months and 29 days til my next one (7 1/2 months 'til next birthday season)
-Exciting - even the wife and kids watch the World Series, so I don't have to watch a game alone
- Even MORE Exciting - The Yankees will be watching the series from the golf course again this year
-Depressing - FOX covers the Series again this year so Joe Suck and Tim McDipshit have to talk through the game. Since everyone and their Mama's Sister are watching, they super-dumb down everything that happens and superhype up every player's capabilities. They say things like "If he plays good in this series, it will REALLY help his team's chances" (Insightful)
- Exciting - Baseball, Football, Hockey are ALL in their regular season and Basketball is days away from starting
- Depressing - My hockey and football fantasy teams are in trouble and I forgot my basketball draft start time and was autodrafted for all but the last 2 picks.
- SUPER Depressing - I actually care about my fantasy teams?!?!?!?
- Exciting - the weather cools and the days are bee-you-tea-full! Time to get some yard work done!!!
- Depressing - Well, I live in Arizona, and I worked in the yard all day yesterday and am sunburned today.
- Exciting - Halloween is next week, the kids will have a ball!!
- Depressing - it's not even Halloween and the Christmas displays in the stores have been up over a month already!

Well, either way Fall (or as I call it here in Arizona "Spring II") is one of my 5 favorite seasons of the year!

Learn something new or forget something old?

2006-09-18T13:00:00.000-07:00

"They" (yes, those bastards!) say 'you learn something new every day'...

I say - screw them (yes, those bastards!), forget something old every day!!!

Let that sink in a little bit...

I've lived life long enough to know most of the stuff that sounds like it doesn't make sense usually makes the MOST sense in the long run.

Forget something old today!

Make an effort to forget something old today. An old way of thinking, a routine of mediocrity or an outdated approach to living. Life is about adapting to change. EVERYTHING changes. If you stay the same, you fall behind.

Approach something old in a new way. Take a new route home, put your left pantleg on before your right tomorrow, scan through all the stations on the radio or TV without looking at the channel number and find something you like (probably on a station you would never suspect). It's the little things that make bigger things possible. Make a special effort to purposely do things in a new manner and see what happens...

Forget how to go through the same routine, after all where has it taken you so far? Forget how to follow the usual treaded paths, take YOUR OWN path. Forget how to think small, it's for small minded people, not YOU. Forget how to fear the path of success (the work, the effort, the risks). Forget how to fear achieving your dreams. Forget how to doubt your God-given abilities. Forget how to doubt your God.

What do you have left? Everything just becomes easier!!! Difficulties become Opportunities. Challenges open new paths to Experience. Mishaps become Blessings.

You're gonna learn stuff all the time. Do you think you've learned everything you know now in the absolute correct manner? Hell, No! You would be perfect if you did! Since the time you were born, you've been told how things are (or how they are to the people caring for you), how they're supposed to be (according to the people who 'care' about you) and how they always will be (by people who never tried any other way)... by a bunch of idiots that want nothing more than for you to be equally or more miserable than themselves.

People have spent most of your life building borders, boundaries and obstacles around you and your abilities. How many times have you been told that something you want to do or accomplish would be 'hard', 'impossible' or 'it takes a lot of luck'? F them all, go for what you want and get it RIGHT NOW!!! Otherwise, you'll be learning new things, every day in the same manner that got you where you are right now... Are you where you want to be?? (I mean in life, not about reading this blog)

Wake up! You're sleepwalking through life just like they want you to!!! Merrily, merrily, merrily life is but a dream, MY ASS!!!

You only are issued so many sunsets in your life; How many sunsets have you missed already?? Why keep spending so many of them the same old way? Learn something new today - Forget something OLD!!!

3rd time is the charm...

2006-09-14T14:18:00.000-07:00

You can’t read the whole thing if you don’t read page #3.

You can't eat the whole bag without eating handful #3

You can't walk a mile in another man's shoes without taking step #3

Imagine you are standing out in the middle of a desolate nowhere. Pick a point really far away; as far away as you can see. Far off in the horizon, is this point. Go ahead and name it. Describe it. Use your imagination to make it whatever you want, but it’s still way over there

To get there, you have to take steps; probably a whole lot of them. Each one is as important as the others. Without taking every step, you cannot take ALL of the steps. If you never take step one, you are not walking. If you stop at step 2, you are no longer walking. The point where everything IS and stops being COULD BE lies at the edge of the desolate nowhere. It’s two steps closer, but you’ve stopped without reaching the point.

And that’s the point. Get it? It’s the point. Way over there; far beyond the nothingness. You’re not there, but it is. Soon you will understand. You can’t go between the middle of a desolate nowhere to the point without a little imagination. You can’t get there without vision. You can’t get there without direction. And you’ll never find a way there without reason.

You can't make ALL of the steps happen if you skip step #3.

Write your goals down. Keep it simple. Pick less than ten short-term goals. What do you want to complete? What skill do you want learn? How do you want to get better? What do you want to accomplish in the next 6 months? Pick a point far away on the horizon.

Define your goals. What are they? Why do you want to achieve them? How can you achieve them? What are the necessary steps? Take a whole minute or two and write these goals down onto a small piece of paper. Keep the paper with you all day.

Occasionally, pull the paper out. Look at your goals. What are you doing today to keep stepping towards that point on the horizon? You don’t have to concentrate on these goals. The answers will find their way to you, so stop looking. Merely being aware of your defined goals is the key. Your subconscious will follow your consciousness like a willing servant.

Be aware. That’s step one. What are you doing? What the hell are you doing? Do you know? Can you define it? Can you feel it?

Be aware. By writing your goals, you have distinguished where you want to focus your life force. Your positive energy, your focus, your good will is all pointing in the same direction. How do I know? You have defined these things. You have thought about your life and times long enough already to name that point on the horizon. You know what you want, how do you get there?

Return of the Madness is Inevitable! Prepare Yourself Semi-Adequately

2006-09-07T19:07:00.000-07:00

Manny, Manny, Manny... what the hell is going on here???

Damn, I've been absent from my blog WAY too long! It's not for a lack of busy-ness. Let's see: Among other seemingly bad omens, bad breaks and bad metaphors; my computer crashed (Thank you, Microsoft; you foresight-less pricks!) and I lost EVERYTHING on it, had to rebuild 100%. That sucked. Kid's pictures - gone. Wedding pictures - gone. Vacation photos - gone, 11+ hours of home-recorded, remixed original music - gone!

If it wasn't for me realizing that I am NOT like all the other kids in the stockbroker field/the soulless corporation I attend for my daily soul-conforming and realizing I am clearly NOT pursuing my creative dreams by educating stupid people on how to get richer than I can ever be answering telephone calls, I would be depressed... Oh yeah, my wife quit her job last week for all the right reasons - I AM proud of her for having steadfast morals, and keeping proper priorities in life... (anyone need a personal trainer???) I just wish we could have crafted a wily lawsuit out of it first.

You know, kids get hungry (Eff you, Latrell Sprewell), bills need paid regularly and shoes get outgrown - my size 15's particularly! Let's see... American dream? check. Mortgage through the nostrils? check. Credit card bills through the wazoo? check. Ahhh, credit is overrated! You can't take it with you, right?? So a little struggle now build character; afterall, we'll LAUGH about this years from now (hope I get a sweet cellmate in debtor's prison - "that broke ass is MINE, bitch!")

But for every obstacle that seems like a slime covered rock in the pond of life, there is always the blessing side where all the goodies lie in wait... mmm, tasty invertabrates. Another bad analogy since two of my aquarium inhabitants; a red-claw crab and a green spotted puffer (red and green, yeah! more metaphors), have gone to the big lake in the sky. (I've been busy practicing my pet funeral ceremonies, for sure!). Of course my 3 year-old daughter keeps asking where "Mr. Krabs" and "Mrs. Puff" went to... (hey, I named them; I'm a SpongeBob fan too).

Anyway, half-full or half-empty, it's STILL just a freeking glass. Come to think about it, a half-empty glass of scotch would be a very good thing right now.

I've chosen to see the blessings in life.

- I didn't lose my kids, my wife or my memories just the pictures of them. I have about 20% backed up, mostly the better ones.
- Wouldn't be so bad if my digital camera wasn't as broke as I am! Meanwhile a Wolbouti tribesman would trade me 50 ebola-ridden acres of his inheritance for the shiny trinket even if it is worthless to me at this point. I guess it's not so bad.
- I didn't lose 11 hours of homemade music, I gained the opportunity to make those songs better! Or forget them altogether - I hang onto too manny things as it is! OK, GOD, lesson learned... thanks!
- Since I realized my employer doesn't want to utilize my creativity, I no longer care for my employer, I have felt a burden lifted from my being. I have stayed there through 9 years of fear. Stupid fear. "What will I do?" fear. That's not me... 9 years is NOT me. As with all things, getting fired WOULD be a blessing! What would I do? What I always do... figure it out, of course. Times can be tough, as long as I'm alive, I'll be tougher... eff it, that's why!

In the meantime, I bide my time, enjoy the meager benefits that I provide for my family and I stop waiting for opportunity to ride in on a shiny white horse. I am going horse hunting, donkey slaying, goat wrestling if I have to. The time has come not only to take a shot, but to fill the sky with shots in every direction. No opportunity will be laughed off, excused away or taken as unworthy. Everything is opportunity to me now, and opportunity is everything.
- I didn't lose 2 colorful pets, I gained the ability to enjoy the rest of my gilled friends even more; to be honest - the puffer was an a$$hole to all the other creatures (liked to eat my fancy shrimp and snails) and the crab was just plain dumb (even for a crab, DUMB)
- my wife can now begin chasing her dreams as she's no longer tied down to a corporate fustercluck (ANYone need a personal trainer? She can send you workout seesions via e-mail!) . Not only do I have your back sweetie, but I'm right behind you!!!
- more importantly I decided it IS TIME to chase my dreams:

I will write with a passion never before emitted from the Stilesmaster.

I am currently actively pursuing a literary agent I can semi-trust/mesh with to FINALLY get to the task of pushing my more complex story ideas from my brain onto a paycheck. Those 'movie ideas' I've been fermenting might as well be books first at this rate... what have I been waiting for anyway?

Well, it's not like I haven't been writing at all - I still crank 'em out on ArmchairGM.com.

So prepare for the Madness all eight of my loyal readers (that's me, 2 others and all of our 'other' schizophrenic personalities), The time is upon us to open up the windows and clear this stale air out!

Join me in the battle. Take every opportunity to make everything opportunity. Seize, beseige and rampage against the things you do that you "don't do". Be you, don't be what they want you to be...that's what they want. What do you want?

Go get it!

"The People Ratio" as defined by Manny Stiles

2006-08-01T17:38:00.000-07:00

I've come to the general conclusion that there are FOUR Basic kinds of people in any given circumstance:

30%- people whose main purpose is to ensure that nothing gets done or accomplished at all

30%- people whose main purpose is to ensure that nothing gets done or accomplished correctly

30%- people whose main purpose is not defined by a purpose

10%- everyone else

Again, this is accurate to a group of people in any given circumstance. Any one person could theoretically be in any of the four divisions under separate and differing circumstances. There are some people that maintain their presence in the same division under any circumstance.

Remember - even if you truly are 'one in a million', then there are over 6,000 people just like you on the planet...

Ban Manny Stiles from ALL things credible!

2006-07-19T22:21:00.000-07:00

BAN

Manny

Stiles

from

ALL

things

Credible

!!!

print one out on iron-on paper and you can make your own cheap fake, crappy replica. OR send me $12 and I'll make one in your size and send it to you OR wait until I get these up on EBay...

My Exclusive Interview with George Washington

2006-06-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

Yes, he's the 'Father of Our Country'. Yes he's 'dead', but that would never stop a great interviewer like myself.

I won't go into the specific details on how one meets with and interviews dead people (nor will I explain how I used my flux capacitor without the aid of lightning). All you need to know is Mr. Washington is probably MORE busy as a dead guy than he was as our first President. His publicist is a handful, as well... anyway -

Setting - In a misty realm where dead and living are neither, but beings be and material things are irrelevant, I meet with Mr Washington, who seems thrilled at the opportunity to communicate with an American from the time of now...

Manny Stiles - Thank you for meeting with me, Mr Washington. It is an honor and a thrill to interview such an amazing and important figure in the world's history.
George Washington - Please, please...call me George. Up in heaven, there's no need for using 'Mister', so I've grown accustomed.
MS - Thanks George! Can I call you 'G' to add a little 21st century twist?
GW- They call your current President 'W', so sure...why not?
MS - Thanks, G! You know the 'W' is for Washington...Right off the bat, you brought up an interesting point, and I didn't even think to ask you this, but I will...WHAT... is heaven like?
GW - Manny, mind if I call you 'M'?
MS - G, YOU can call me whatever you want!
GW - IF I were to tell you what heaven is like, you would die instantly from such knowledge. As a living being, you are not to know these things until you ARE to know these things. However, I will tell you Dick Nixon is a party animal there, Genghis Khan is a voice of reason and Adolf Hitler has become one heck of a ping-pong player.
MS - Wait, wait, wait, wait, G... Richard Nixon is in Heaven???
GW - Again, the things of Heaven and Hell aren't for mere human understanding... Let me just put it this way... deathbed repentances happen MORE than you think! I tried to warn John Adams, but he was too busy trying to outlive Thomas Jefferson. Now Adams is in Hell, forced to listen to a choir of Popes sing 'Muppets' songs with Jim Henson.
MS - Wow...that IS Hell...I guess I'll move on to the interview I had intended... let me gather my thoughts for a moment...ok. Let's get right at it...
Being that you are America's first President, what is your impression of America today?
GW - Let us clarify one thing. It is the UNITED States of America. United was the key from the beginning. We did all of it together, or it would have never come to be. Sure there was infighting and squabbles, they even tried to remove me from the militia on several occasions, but we came together for a common cause and we all pulled the rope together in the same direction. I don't see that today. It seems everyone is pulling in their own direction and not for the common good of all. Calling it America takes away from what it was intended to be. The whole continent is America, but only the States that were United could accomplish such great things.
MS - Does it concern you that people today have little or no concept about how this country came to be?
GW - No, with all of today's worries, 'What's on my iPod?', 'what celebrity was arrested for what', 'which brand name is coolest' - OF COURSE it concerns me, but realistically, I don't care. I'm dead and have other concerns now... like the upcoming soccer matches of the guardian angels or preparing for the impending apocalypse next year.
MS - Oooooh Kaaaay... angels playing soccer, apocalypse...
GW - I was kidding about that... angels don't play soccer.
MS - That's a relief, I guess...next question... Tell me something about yourself that the history books have taught us that is all wrong.
GW - Too many things! I was not a great man, hell, I wasn't even a good General, I was a surveyor who was thrust into scuffles over land rights. But for that time, I was a big man physically, so I commanded some respect. But Manny, you're a GIANT compared to me! What are you? Six feet, five?
MS - Six foot six, G. Get it right!
GW - I would have made you into a General in the Continental Army, absolutely!
Basically, I was just a regular guy with a POWERFUL wife. Martha deserves all of the credit. When I was down, she lifted me up, what a fantastic broad!
I was good at delegating to the experts. I surrounded myself with excellent characters and wise, sharp minds. I had Baron von Steuben train my men at Valley Forge, Alexander Hamilton design the financial structures, John Jay was my law specialist and Jefferson and Adams wrote up the important documents -I was not as schooled as my brothers and was never a good speller. But these men were brilliant, I was just barely smart enough to let them do the important work.
Also, I didn't chop down any stupid cherry trees, the French and Indian wars were somewhat MY fault... I was a Whig but I didn't wear a wig.
I did own slaves, but I didn't treat them like slaves; I kept families together and treated my people well. They were more or less full-time workers who lived on my properties. Many of my slaves also volunteered for the Militias and served well.
Furthermore, I didn't have wooden teeth and I look WAY too old on the Quarter & One Dollar bill. And my nose wasn't that big -By the way, I think Ben Franklin should be on the One Dollar and I should be on the Hundred... Ben was a cheap womanizer. Having Franklin on a One Dollar would be more fitting, if you know what I mean.
MS - And that brings up another thing. What was it like in Philadelphia in 1776? Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, John Hancock; all of these great patriots gathering together...
GW- Stop right there... Our intention wasn't to do great things for the ages. It was to set things right for US first, the rest of the colonies second. Most of the men who 'signed' the Declaration weren't even there...and it wasn't printed until almost a year later. Hell, it wasn't even the FIRST declaration! The Magna Carta wasn't the blueprint for our document, the Declaration of Arbroath and the Virginia Declaration of Rights were...but so was the Mecklenburg Declaration. Some guys in Mecklenburg County (Now in North Carolina) declared Independence from England over a year before we even met in Philadelphia. But our's pissed off the King a little more.
But Philadelphia in 1776 was crazy! Most people didn't care about the British OR the Continental Armies, as long as they were left alone. Philadelphia was party central, Ben Franklin was Grand Marshall and the babes were showing ankle everywhere.
MS - Who would have thunk it?
GW - Look, Manny... I mean, M. The good stuff doesn't get written down and put into history books. Why? We were too busy having the fun to write it all down! There was a LOT of drinking going on in 1776. I was quite a whiskey maker and Franklin could brew up some great mead, even in his latter days. After my days as President, all I did at Mount Vernon was grow hemp and make whiskey.
MS - Times were different then, huh?
GW - I don't mean to get all "you kids nowadays" on you, but... The United States were founded on simple concepts. We didn't want somebody in our business all of the time. The King of England didn't need to know our business from across an ocean and DEFINITELY didn't need to skim our profits without us having a say. Now, that's exactly what the present government has become. I realize things are different, times are different and innovations have made many new things possible. But really; Are PEOPLE different? As people we all have rights, hopes, dreams; we use our efforts to better our lives, for our families and the generations to follow. We did NOT intend for our governing bodies to nose it's way into everything. You have WAY too many laws today. Every law you add makes a whole new set of problems. We ran into that early on. I was almost overthrown as President until cooler heads prevailed. Governments need to Govern, not RULE.
MS - Excellent point, G! Maybe that's why you are considered one of the best Presidents ever.
GW - Again, I was NOT a great man. I merely did what I HAD to do. Politicians today do what's best for their agenda. They no longer do what they HAVE to do. Of course, I was never a politician. I delegated my authority to the people who could accomplish the best results. Serving your country, your constituents and your people is a duty, an honor. Not a social accomplishment or next rung of celebrity status.
MS - You hit the nail on the head.
GW - Well, we never thought about a country reaching to the other ocean, either. We didn't even know how far that was. So the set of problems today ARE difficult, but the purpose of having the UNITED States was to have each state regulate itself and have a Federal government regulate the States. The Federal government was never intended to regulate the citizens. That's what England was doing to us!
Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness can't happen if you are regulated away from that pursuit.
MS - How would you suggest we fix this now? How do we get back to what you guys were trying to do?
GW - Look, in the 1770's and '80's, we were fighting to free ourselves, not design an everlasting structure for governing. If things constantly change, why use antiquated methods for modern problems? The 'American' way is to identify a problem and promptly use all faculties available to adapt, overcome and MOVE ON with extraordinary results. Do things seem like that today?
No man with common sense would put horseshoes on his motorized vehicle. Why would you regulate internet business with laws that were intended for tobacco farmers?
I am not the smartest man, but maybe it's time to take a look at all of it and start over.
Our freedom has been established, now let's move forward. Get politicians OUT of governing. The right thing to do is going to offend some people some time. It has to!
You can't flip-flop or do what's best for all when you have your personal or financial interests at stake. Delegate the powers to the people with most skill, intelligence and morality. Empower the people first, the governing bodies second. That's what the Bill of Rights was intended to do.
MS - Wow, that's a lot to take in. How do you keep up with all of the changes in society?
GW - There's some pretty good coverage up there in Heaven. Hey, that Scarlett Johansson is quite a babe!
MS - Exactly. One last question I had prepared: What is your opinion of our 'National Anthem'? There's been some people who suggest the words are outdated and the tune is too long. What do you think?
GW - I love 'The Star Spangled Banner' for military events, the Olympics or any NATIONAL event; but for everyday use such as baseball games or parades, I really like that song "We Will Rock You" by those strange British boys...who were they? The Queens?
It is so much simpler, people can stomp and clap along or even chant "U.S.A.!, U.S.A.!". It would certainly spread national pride and offers a more accurate description the United States...
MS - Very good choice, G! I do want to thank you for this enlightening perspective and interview. You are honored as a treasure for the right reasons. I definitely appreciated your time and enjoyed every moment of your presence.
GW - Thank you, it was my pleasure! Tell Scarlett I said 'hello!'.
MS - I'll try my best. Tell Martha and Jimi Hendrix I said 'Hi!'...catch ya later, G!
GW - See ya next year, Manny!
MS - Whaaaa?

And then **POOF** - into the mist he returned. I wanted to stay and and converse more with him.
What was his opinion on George W Bush, Terrorism, Steroids in Pro Sports, Immigration, Iraq, Abortion, Modern Inventions and Travel or the U.S. sucking in the World Cup? Oh well! Maybe we'll cross paths again soon...

Happy Father's Day

2006-06-18T23:58:00.000-07:00

Few things will make you feel tearful joy like your 3 year-old daughter singing/shreiking to a death metal version of "Happy Father's Day"... indeed, one of the HAPPIEST moments of my life... Raw, unadulterated human fierceness with a zeal of screaming ONLY a 3 year-old could produce...

Too bad the recording equipment wasn't hooked up... while I can re-capture the idea, the song, the special effects, and the participants (I was playing drums, John Funk on the bass), the energy/setting will be impossible to reproduce.
I have recorded my little sweetie many times before, so she is familiar and comfortable using a microphone (she has vocal credits on 2 songs from Manny Stiles' album "Who the F*** is Manny Stiles?") but she took it to another level on Sunday.

Even my nine-month old son was dancing along!!!

Needless to say, I am consistently amazed and very proud of my little vocalist. Maybe not every father would enjoy this type of display from their children, but I was thrilled! To me it was 'Best Father's Day Gift' yet!!! Rock on, little one!

Look for some type of version of "Happy Father's Day" to appear on the next forthcoming album "To Be Named Later" by Manny Stiles - Fall 2006

Well, I tried...

2006-06-12T22:10:00.000-07:00

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kombol

noun. meaning very well hung,
Prize winning kielbasa in villages of Poland.
From science, the reproductive organs of male humpback whales are measured using the Kombol Comparison Method

"sure that salami is big, but it's no kombol"
"Porn star Clint Meatwood packs a kombol"

Source: Manny Stiles, Phoenix AZ

Listen here, freaks!!!

2006-06-08T08:34:00.000-07:00

A few ponderments on a few 'hot topics' for those of you so inclined...

-Barry Bonds and baseball
*how many home runs did Babe Ruth hit on cocaine (for most of his career 'coke' was not only LEGAL, but commonplace)?
*Human Growth Hormone was first made synthetically in 1959. Please convince me that no professional athletes had access to HGH until the last few years?
*somehow, NO ONE is complaining that football players MIGHT be using HGH since there are no tests available with reasonable accuracy

-celebrities
*OK, am I the only one who noticed there are now more famous people than un-famous people (thank you MTV, American Idol and COPS)
*also, not one single celebrity has a valid opinion (except for me, Mike Tyson, Andy Dick, Magic Johnson, Paul Reubens, Brooke Shields and Rosie O'Donnell)
*I'll bet you know more about Ashlee Simpson, Paris Hilton, Chutney Spears and Tom Cruise than you know about most of your neighbors. You'll never MEET these 'stars' but your neighbors could blow up your block or murder your family in the middle of the night. Think about that as you're TiVoing Access Hollywood

- global warming
*what is it? 90% of the worlds population lives under 100 ft above sea level? Make an investment in the future. Buy real estate at 100 ft and above, then when the oceans rise, you'll have shorefront property (for a while)
*realistically, you'll be dead (as will Al Gore) before it really impacts you (but, since the world will end April 8th, 2018 why be concerned?)
*shipping costs will decrease since the Northwest Passage will open the Arctic Ocean for travel. Also seafood will get cheaper since warmer waters will lengthen the growing seasons. Everybody wins!

-who cares/etc.
*the new Batwoman is a lesbian - does this mean Batman & Robin can come out too?
*from CNN.com -today the FDA "approved a new vaccine to protect against cervical cancer in girls and women" which is great, but when will they fight cervical cancer in boys and men?
*Today is "Go kill a manatee day" since Florida's Wildlife Commission has delisted the manatee as a endangered species. Sea Cow burgers for everyone!
*Al Qaeda's leader is dead, that makes up for everything, right? Gee, now we'll have to kill his replacement. Then that guy's replacement and that guy's replacement until we finally dig up Osama's rotting corpse (who's really been dead for 4 years now...) then Al Qaeda will finally give up this thousands of years-old vendetta they have been holding onto.
*Immigration - ummm, did you know that almost every American's heritage comes from immigrants
*The Church of Scientology is sponsoring a NASCAR car. Yep.

Noah Tall

2006-03-30T11:46:00.000-07:00

If you know me, there's something very obvious about my physical being. If you've never met me, I'll tell you what it is... I am tall. I am six feet and six inches tall. To be more accurate, I am exactly two meters tall. 6'6" is tall enough to be tall, but not tall enough to be freaky TALL.

Either way, most likely I am taller than you. (If you ARE taller than me, I'll still dunk on you).
When I go anywhere there are crowds, I can see right over all of the heads.

Being tall is perceived as some sort of positive attribute. (...except for living in a world designed for 'regular' sized people) It is! Being tall enables me to decipher a person's intelligence just by meeting them!
Here's a few things a stupid person will say to a tall person upon meeting them... [my smart-assed responses in brackets]

"You're tall!" [you say exactly what you think, don't you?]

"If I was as tall as you, I'd..." [still be stupid]

"Have you always been tall?" [Yes, Mom went through 9 days of labor]

"How tall are you?" [I'm actually the world's smallest jumbo dwarf]

Why does uttering these phrases make you stupid?

Replace the word tall with any other obvious physical attribute and re-read those phrases... such as...mustached, big breasted, black and disabled for instance

"You're mustached!"

"If I was as big breasted as you, I'd..."

"Have you always been black?"

"How disabled are you?"

Suddenly, you're stupid AND an a$$hole! Can you see how stating the obvious is insulting to everyone except the idiot stating the obvious? [did I just state the obvious?]
Then again, these are the same people who get into car accidents while rubbernecking car accidents...

Try any attribute in place of tall and try those phrases... pigeon-toed, floppy-eared, drunk, box-shaped, Irish, smelly, naked, scarred, transexual, left-handed, balding, sick, pointy-nosed, elbowless, immature, bloody, mohawked, etc. You get the idea...

But for some reason, someone is always willing to remind me that I am indeed still tall [we're all the same height in bed] as if whacking my cranium on things all of those hundreds of times makes me forget... wait... does it?

The point is... I didn't get to choose to be tall. I had really, um... nothing to do about it... but I do choose not to be stupid [even if you're smarter than me, I'll still dunk on you], so thanks for telling me I'm tall!

Who the F*** is Manny Stiles? - the Album

2006-03-15T20:37:00.000-07:00

So.....What the hell have I been up to?

- putting the finishing touches on my newest studio album:

Manny Stiles - Who th F*** is Manny Stiles?

Just $7.00 Delivered!!!! $5 for the CD, $2 for shipping (No C.O.D's, allow 4-6 weeks for delivery)

PRE-ORDER YOURS NOW ---> mannystiles@aol.com

Available sometime!!! 29 tracks of Manny Stiles madness, arranged noise and other madness

Including such fabulous and dynamic tracks as: "How Many Stiles?", "Falling Rocks", "the Lottery", "the Lottery, too", "Little Mama Jojo", "Ian Rodgers is a Homo(sapien)[club mix]", "Ian Rodgers is a Homo(sapien)[acoustic mix]", "Haiku Sushi", "Insanity", "the City", "sample 7", "Superstitions", "Enjoy Free Resources", "Bobby" and Manny others

And don't try the whole "Erik, I've known you like forever! Let me get a CD for free..." (except you, Ian) because if I give it to you for free, you'll never listen to it. If you buy it, you'll listen to it and either a) hate it and hate me for making you pay for this heap of digital dung, or b) You'll listen to CD. Like parts of it, dislike other parts of it and each time you listen to it, you'll like it more...then some piece of it will stick, you'll 'get it' and realize that music can be/is deeper than you had assumed before, or finally c) you'll love it, memorize every song, you'll ask me to buy some other Manny Stiles albums; such as

Love Songs and Other Sh!t,

Prick Among Needles,

Man Eats Aisles,

When Then Was Now,

DLBCRYM (Don't Let Big Corporations Regulate Your Music),

Chemland: Dues Paid or Bust (featuring Jerm)

then you'll send me fanmail and weird, obsessive trinkets, then stalk me and come to my house to cook me fantastic desserts and sugary confections...

yeah, yeah, yeah... Valentine's day

2006-02-14T09:32:00.000-07:00

Happy Heart Day!!!!!
Another Hallmark Holiday for the mindless masses...
(I love you, EVERY DAY, honey!)

Today should be the American Heart Association's Holiday...
(Don't eat ALL of that chocolate!!!)

First off... St Valentine (if he ever really existed!) had little to nothing to do with love...some say he was martyred for marrying young couples. His legacy was just another reason to throw a "feast'. (Needless to say, records from the first dozen centuries A.D. are a little 'hazy'.... )http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Valentine
Sound familiar? just another reason to sell some wares!!!

Then there's the whole idea of jewelry and candy and cards and flowers and lingerie....

This is the kind of thing that just keeps propagating itself. The man in the relationship is EXPECTED to spend a chunk of cash just to keep his baby happy. Well, then some Douche Bag you know goes out and blows a wad of cash on something stupid (on a girl who will end up leaving him anyway) and your girl takes notice... "Why didn't you get me something like Douche Bag did?" she says...

And what the hell is a 'right hand diamond ring'? Are you kidding me? They just make sh$t up and we buy it!!!
The diamond industry is the biggest load of crap ever... diamonds can be made from peanut butter!!! They're not RARE or anything... I can understand the value of a ruby or a sapphire... they're actually hard to find! I won't even bring up the atrocoties that take place in the mines http://www.fguide.org/Bulletin/conflictdiamonds.htm

Just $79.99 for a dozen roses delivered today------------->
(You can buy a whole rose BUSH and plant it in your yard for under $5!)

Save the cash, take responsibility and don't be a sucker!!! Why do men spend time, energy and/or money on these things? To get in her pants... why don't you just sack up and do the duty right (she wants it too!) and keep your wallet in your knickers instead of your motivation!

Don't fall for this garbage, guys!!!

Love should not be represented by an object, not by candy, not by dying flowers...but by actual LOVE... and that happens every day, not just on some pseudo-Christmas in the middle of winter..

I love you, Jes!!!

Are you an idiot? (an idiot-proof quiz)

2006-02-09T09:16:00.000-07:00

Are you an idiot? This simple quiz will help you figure it out...

Read each question fully, then write your answers down on a piece of paper. Each answer is worth one point. If you score 2 points or less, you are an IDIOT. If you score one point, consider lending yourself to medical science. If you don't score any points, you better be freaking HOT or you should go commit suicide as you are contributing nothing to the rest of society. Don't be afraid if you get some wrong, idiot... just get 3 or more RIGHT!!!

Let's begin:

1. Everyone knows a female canine is known as a 'bitch'. What is a male canine called? _________ (you are already fearing that you are an idiot, huh?)

2. What was the first state to ratify the US Constitution, thereby becoming the 'First State'? __________ (go check your quarters, idiot)

3. What is the most common element relative to this planet? __________ (Earth, you idiot)

4. Without looking... Who is pictured on the front of a US $10 bill?_________ Bonus point if you can explain who he is...(clue for the idiots: there are more Non-Presidents on US paper money than presidents - so referring to money as "Dead Presidents" would make you an idiot)

5. All wood floats on water. True or False? ________ (this is your chance for redemption, idiot)

6. How many United States soldiers died in the "Battle of Valley Forge" in 1776 ________ (this one is a 'trick question', idiot)

7. What is the MOST common cause of death in Americans between the ages of 20-50? _________ (also THE leading cause of death of idiots of ALL ages)

8. In what month does "March Madness" end? _________ (hint: It's NOT March, idiot)

9. There are many ways to preserve foods long-term (more than a month, let's say) such as freezing, drying, canning, etc. How many ways are there to preserve lettuce? __________ (There's only ONE answer, idiot)

10. Do you feel offended when someone calls you an idiot? (multiple choice, idiot)
A. No
B. All of the below
C. It depends on who says it
D. Sometimes
E. Yes

The answers - add one point for every answer that you did not get correct....
1- dog, 2- Delaware, 3- Hydrogen, 4- Alexander Hamilton, first US treasurer, 5- False, some woods like mahagony and ironwood will sink as will waterlogged wood, 6- None, there was no "Battle of Valley Forge", also there were no "U.S." soldiers there... There was no US until the Constitution was ratified in 1786, 7- #1 Accidents (auto & other), #2 AIDS, #3 Heart Disease, #4 Cancer, #5 Suicide, 8- April, when the NCAA Championship game is played, 9- None, there are no ways to store lettuce long term - I dare you to attempt it 10 - A. No, if you chose any other answer, then you are INDEED an idiot!

How did you score?
0 answers correct! - Even idiots call YOU an idiot!
1-2 answers correct! - You're an idiot!
3-5 answers correct! - One sharp blow to the head and you're an idiot!
6-7 answers correct! - You're not a full idiot, but all of your friends definitely are!
8-9 answers correct! - You cheated, and that makes you an even bigger idiot for not getting them ALL right!
0-10 answers correct! - You are an idiot for taking the quiz to begin with.....

My Exclusive Interview with Brad and Angelina!!!

2006-02-08T23:55:00.000-07:00

You know, it's not everyday that a fringe-of-society Blogger gets to swing such an exclusive interview as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Voight-Miller-Bob-Thornton-Pitt , but when my agent told me that I could get a couple of minutes with them, I thought "Ok, whatever; let's do it! Why not?"

As these things often seem to be, it did not go as I originally planned...

After many delays and minor dustups with 'security' people... I say 'security' because it seemed like I was entering through an army of cultish figures more than bodyguards. I met "Brangelina" in a hidden away resort here in Phoenix just a few weeks ago and here is the transcript of the interview...

Manny Stiles - I just want to thank both of you before we get started. It very nice of you both to agree to do this interview for someone with... how can I say this? Very little to no actual journalistic abilities...
Brad Pitt - Well, screw all of those media a**holes anyway. We wanted to, you know.... we like to keep it real and all.
Angelina Jolie - Manny, we have always respected your artistic talents and common-man nature. There needs to be more people like you! (laughs)
MS - You're too kind! And clearly, one who obviously speaks the truth...ha ha! Never mind my talents...
Anyway, on to the "interview" (making quotations with my hands)
BP - Don't do "that" (making quotations with his hands)
MS - Angie...Do you mind if I call you Angie?
AJ - Not at all... It is my name...
MS - What is it like being pregnant for the first time?
AJ - Well, to put it bluntly... travelling really sucks! Very uncomfortable... As you know, Bradley and I do so much charitable work all over the world and I get SO horny sometimes...
MS - Please move your hand from my leg...
BP - Sorry, I couldn't help myself.
MS - Dude, OFF of my leg, not further up it!
BP - Okay!
AJ - As I was saying, being pregnant makes me very horny. Sometimes during those big long press conferences and international organization meetings we go to, we have to step out, sneak off somewhere to satisfy the urges! It drives the makeup people CRAZY! They get me all dolled up, then all of a sudden, I'm gone! When I come back, I'm all sweaty and they have to fix me up and all... it's fun. Naughty fun.
BP - Yeah, and when I'm not with her, she just grabs whoever is in arm's reach... Man, Woman, Dog... hell, one time in Africa I saw her run down an Ostrich and hump it like crazy! Plumes were everywhere! It looked like a pillow fight scene from a bad porno...
MS - Okay, so that really had nothing to do with my question...
AJ - Sometimes we dress up like dirty homeless people and go to a local park and have hot, raw sex with the homeless people there. Bradley LOVES the raw smell of human, unadulterated and pure... Human musk is his favorite.
BP - Can I smell your pits, dude? (I suddenly gain the ability to feel uncomfortable in Brad's prescence) You ever really smelled your finger after you jam it up your butt?
AJ - (cuts in - just in time to keep the vomit in my throat) I made Bradley dress up like Billy Bob once and talk in that southern drawl... that was hot!
BP - How about when you dressed me up like Jenny? (absorbed in his suddenly moist digits)
MS - I suppose you mean your ex-wife Jennifer Anniston?
BP - Ex-wife? Hell, no! We never got married!!! It was just a media stunt so both of us could get some swee-eeet publicity. Those media f**ks ATE it up. (dramatic pause/Bradley's mind gears are suddenly GRINDING and his eyes are buggin')
Geez, Jenny has a d*ck, dude!!! "She" (making quotations with his hands) is a He!!! That's why Vinnie [Vince Vaughn] hangs out with her now. He's into that freaky sh*t!!! We were just good friends, and our agents took care of the whole deal...
AJ - "Friends" (doing the quotation hands), Haaaah!
BP - Yeah, then Jenny started wiggin' about getting me to lick her little diddle (dangling finger motion) and it was fun for a while and all... but then, during the filming of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Angie showed me the way. (smiles)
AJ - Bradley loves my brother, Jamie! He doesn't have the fake boobies getting in the way like Jenny! No hips and c**k-pillow lips... just like mine!
BP - Why do think I was so into Juliette [Lewis] and Gwynneth [Paltrow - almost Pitt's first wife]?? They're both built like 13-year old boys! With their hairless, flat chests and narrow hips...
MS - (interrupting) Wait! Brad, if you like little boys, why are you with Angie? She's 'voluptuous' (making quotations with my hands again) if you will...
BP - She's my Master and Supreme Overlord of Darkness.
AJ - That's right, Manny Stiles! I rule all and beckon all to do my peculiar musings.
MS - So you're the Anti-Christ?
AJ - No you stupid f**k!!! I am Master and Supreme Overlord of Darkness!!!
MS - You're Satan?
BP - You're stupid aren't you? She's not Satan! Everyone knows [Irish band U2's frontman] Bono is Satan. Let me touch your thigh again... and smell your...
MS - What the...
AJ - Let me touch your thigh, Manny!!!
MS - But I am completely a happily married man!
AJ - Call your wife and get her here at once! I want to devour her too!
MS - She'll only show up if Jessica Alba is here too. (since her real celebrity crush, Gwen Stefani is not answering our calls)
AJ - (grabbing phone and dialing) You demanding mutha... (Angelina takes a deep, pausing breath) ...hunk of gorgeous man...(she smiles at me while I wonder if I accidentally ate something toxic today) I would not do this for just anyone, (then mumbles but I hear it) ...b*tch!!!... (gets back on her phone) "Jessie, get your sweet ass to Phoenix immed..." (pauses) "Goddam it! Manny Stiles is here and his wife is asking for you! Now!!!"
BP - Jessie [Jessica Alba] is a huge fan of yours, too... (Angelina screams at her cellphone as Brad stares me down before blurting) I want to smell your musk, Manny! (Brad lunges forward with a look in his eyes)
AJ - Sorry about that...(Angelina smacks Brad and pockets her cellphone) Jessie will be here in less than an hour. Bradley! Put that away! (Brad is pulling wadded, browned handfulls of toilet paper from deep within the seat of his pants and shoving them in his face and smearing his nose and sniffing vigorously, Angelina shakes her head in disgust/disbelief)
BP - Rgggh, mmmmmmille, sshiffff! (now he's licking his fingers then swiftly stuffing them down the back of his pants and sniffing/licking them again)
MS - Okay... I gotta go... Thanks for the interview! (I get up and make my move for the door with a clenched fist. I am ready for flight AND for fight)
AJ - You cannot defy my wishes! I did NOT get pregnant with an extraterestrial super-being and become Master and Overlord of Darkness for my freaking health! I demand you to stay here and wait for Jessica Alba to get it on with us when your wife gets here!!!
MS - Hey Overlord! Do you happen to know Adrianna Lima or the bassist from Stellastarr*??? (That one's for YOU, Paul Shirley)
BP - She knows Paris Hilton!!! Mmm... yeah, she's built like 13 year-old boy too... (back to the thousand-yard-stare for Brad)
MS - Eeew dude, No!
Overlord of Darkness, how about Ashley Judd? Scarlett Johannsen? or Lauren Graham (I am quite a Gilmore Girls fan)? Elisabeth Shue? Beyonce Knowles? Selma Hayek???
AJ - Jessica Simpson is in town...
MS - Thanks for the interview! I'm out!
"mutha f**kas" (with my hands doing that quotation thing yet once more) Make sure to send Jessica Alba to my place when she gets here...

End of Interview....Manny Stiles exits stage left in the key of "Peace!"

So to sum it up real nice... Brad has very tender hands, Angelina Jolie is the Master and Overlord of Darkness, is pregnant with an alien and I have less than an hour to convince my honey that she has 'the hots' for Jessica Alba...

to be continued... or is it?

Products of the Future!!!!

2006-02-07T10:39:00.000-07:00

With all of the commercial hype during the Super Bowl (aka 'the commercial season' - since there's nothing else on TV until March (April) Madness... that means you too, World Baseball Classic) you may have noticed all of the wonderful new products being presented to us mindless consumers...

Well, I have gazed into the future (of an indeterminable date) and this is what we have to look forward to....

Schick-Bic-Sharpie-Gillette's New and Improved Razor/Pen the 'Slash' -
After the mega merger of the 4 companies, sales were a little slow until they realized we all need the 'Slash'!!! With 5000 retractable blades, it shaves your entire face in just one touch! Any blood from nicks is swabbed up into a micro chamber where it is then converted to the retractable pen so you can write in your own blood (good for selling you soul or other pacts with the devil)!!!

With a 90 year-old OJ Simpson (who finally did find the real killer and is now an Oscar winner for his work in Naked Gun - 1492) as the spokesman, Schick-Bic-Sharpie-Gillette's really cashing in...

Also in the works is a 'safer' version with only 4500 blades for the ladies...

AquaFresh, the toothpaste pioneers, after the debacle of their "Exploding Toothpaste" also found it's way back on the map here in the future with it's new personal hygiene line "AquaFlesh". A favorite among all humans with common scents. AquaFlesh nearly won a Nobel Prize for donating cases of it's products for free on Subways and Public Transportation Systems, making the "Onion People" nearly extinct... now EVERYONE is minty fresh (down there too!!)

From the makers of deodorant underwear comes a new product that changes the pheromones in a female's passed gas into a hormone that actually makes women twice as smart!!! With women intelligence leading the way, The United States of America merged peacefully after some hair pulling with Canada and Mexico to become New Amexida and now has a woman President (but oddly, a transexual Vice-President), 9 female Supreme Court justices, and women completely run NASA (there is currently a mission to the newly discovered, far away planet, that apparently has a specific gravity that renders cramps to be painless!!)
While at first, it seemed like a good idea to have gassy women become smarter, they are now leaving Earth and leaving the guys with all of the dumb, non-gassy women... what fun is that?
Attempts to make a product that makes guys smarter or even less gassy were of course, found to be impossible...

No one in the future can live without their trusty 'HoFo' or Holographic Phone. About one quarter the size of a 'quarter' (which is now the new $250 dollar coin and about the size of a dime) the HoFo can holographically display a life-sized image of the person you converse with right in front of your very eyes... Of course, the smart women legislators made it illegal for ugly people to use the HoFo.
It took a while to perfect the HoFo as the first 13 versions of it had technical issues from causing instant, irreversible blindness to usability issues due to the original dimensions (the original HoFo was the size of a city block that created holograms an inch tall)

Krispy Kreme Donuts are on every block in New Amexida!!! After going bankrupt during the Health Age, Krispy Kreme came roaring back with it's new Cancer-curing donut. At a mere 15,000 calories, a team of scientists discovered that 5 of these donuts a day for 3 months was able to rid any living being of all cancers, and in some cases even cleared up acne, healed hemorrhoids, gave men 4 day erections, grew hair was there was none, and rid unwanted hair was there was too much!!!
The only downside is unwanted heart attacks and extreme diarrhea...

And finally, one for the kids... a new drug called Chocolatin! It is 500 times as effective as Ritalin and tastes 10 times better than chocolate, and costs less than a quarter (that's $250 present value) Chocolatin actually converts a hyper (normal) child's brain into a calm, boring, bow tie-wearing, socially inept, geekish adults in a matter of weeks!!! No more bouncing off the walls, little Jimmy!!! It's time to do our taxes!

there you have it! a bright future awaits... in the NEAR future when I have some more time and caffeine, I'll add some more 'products' to this list

Happy Birthday, Ant!

2006-02-02T01:00:00.000-07:00

You would have turned 30 today!

Weblibs by Manny Stiles

2006-02-01T19:53:00.000-07:00

A Story About (___fill in the blank___)... by (___your name, dipsh!t___)

Once upon a logon, there was this (___noun___) who found that there was no better way to (___verb___) than to (___verb___) a whole bunch of (__adjective___) and annoying (___plural nouns___).

It's true! For a measly $ (___amount in US Dollars___) you can (___verb___) like a freakin' Super- (___noun___). Holy (___exclamation___)!!! Even a fool can (___sense___) there's more (___fluid___) here than anywhere else except (___your Mom's___) house!!!

There's no denying... (___famous blogger's name___) has to be the (___studly adjective___) -est (___male positition of royalty___) of (___your strongest attribute___) there ever has been in (___where you are now___)!

No wonder, this story is about such an (___immoral term___) -ing idiot and general (___insulting truth___)

Thank you, and have a (___oddly complimentary adjective___) mid-afternoon.

Best Diet Ever!!! Fail proof! Guaranteed to work!!!

2006-02-01T11:20:00.000-07:00

So we're past the holidays, winter's in full gear and Spring is around the corner... time to shed a few of those 'extra' pounds...

I have a diet/exercise program GUARANTEED to work!!! Best of all, it is as cheap or expensive as you want it to be...Yes, absolutely GUARANTEED!!!

It's easy, it's fun and it's PROVEN to shed pounds!!!

Manny Stiles' Fail Proof Diet -

Step 1 - Stop eating in all forms and manners. Don't consume anything! Don't swallow your own spit. Not yet, anyway... we'll provide a list of 'approved' foods- like any good diet!!!
Acceptable foods: water, milk, celery, ExLax, coffee, cigarettes, Castor Oil, Syrup of Ipecac

Every time you feel pains of hunger, shove your face into a used and overflowing baby diaper, then shove your longest finger down your throat, wash it down with an ExLax and a cup of 5 week old, room temperature milk.

Step 2 - Exercise maniacally! All day, with every movement, include a high level of "unneccessary movement" as well. Walk up stairs while swinging your head & flapping your arms, If you're doing pull ups, kick your legs furiously. If you like to run, run while flailing as if you are landswimming.... Scream as loud as you can every moment you realize you aren't screaming...This doesn't mean you need to join a gym... You can exercise right in your neighborhood for free! Also, work out when using the bathroom, flail your arms, make violent facial expressions (burns many calories).... this is often overlooked, but with your diet kicking in, you'll have lots of free time in the restroom, capitalize on your efforts!

Step 3 - If you are a Hollywood Actor/Actress, get lots of cocaine, you're a star, diet like one!!!(it'll help your image and self-esteem as well as find you lots of new, talkative friends)

...if you're a B-level celebrity, try regular street Meth, it's cheaper for your tight budget (Plus, it'll help us rid the world of you once and for all)

...if you're a nobody like the rest of us... try both of the above and eat one Ex-Lax for every 5 pounds of weight you want to lose, 3 times a day...and drink one cup of black coffee for every 10 pounds you want to lose, also 3 times a day... you might want to take up cigarettes, as well... not smoking them, eating them!!! Smoking's bad for your health, but there's nothing on the label that says it's bad to eat them... You're on a diet and cigarettes are one of the best things to eat to help out your diet...

Also, try and contract as many communicable diseases and parasites of all varieties as you can at once... Intestinal viruses are among the most valuable and overlooked diet aids...Your darned immune sytem spends too little energy when you're healthy! Make it work hard and the pounds fall off FAST! Plus expectorating fluids helps the cause as well!!! Remember to kick those legs when you're coughing!!! Leeches can also rid you of unwanted blood, it's just extra water weight anyway...

Step 4 - The diet is more important than ANYTHING - your health, family, well-being, and if anyone comes to 'Help you" just wants to see you get fatter, so do everything exactly OPPOSITE of whatever they say. Make sure you're kicking and flailing while you tell them to leave you alone.

Step 5 - do steps 1-4 repreatedly and continuously. Remember, YOU ARE GUARANTEED to lose weight trying this diet, however any complications that may occur under this program is definitely a result that you fully deserved.

... little known fact: ExLax does not lose it's potency after it has passed through your system! Some say it works BETTER the second time! Capture your 'used' ExLax and you can save money and get twice the benefit from the same amount of ExLax...(mix with a little Castor Oil to improve the flavor)

Adam dressed up as a crack baby for Halloween in 'Vegas last year

2006-01-29T01:49:00.000-07:00

I wasn't there, but I've got pictures of pictures to prove it!!!

Bizzy to da Shizzie FoRizzy, Quizzy

2006-01-29T00:20:00.000-07:00

I am going to Vegas in a couple of weeks, does anyone recommend anything?

It's been several years since I was last in Loss Vegas, when I birthed the idea behind a brilliant song in the process of being composed... "You Can't Go To Las Vegas For Three Days"... but I haven't had the opportunity to complete the ongoing project, so I am going for research purposes to freshen up the reasons that "You Can't Stay In Las Vegas For Three Days", or was it "You Can't Go To Loss Vegas 4-3 Days" and a voice saying '7-11, Craps'.... anyhoo, hopefully I won't end up sitting on a couch with no cushions in a crackhouse this time... since I'm taking the fam'... chances are I won't be in much of harm's way... To be fair, I'm a pretty big dude, so when I'm drunk.. I feel pretty invincible; but don't get me wrong... I know I'm not 'brick-proof'. But along story, shorter and less entertaining than being there...it's still one of the strangest experiences I have ever had -

Like all good stories... I was really drunk and hanging out with a guy I met at a bus stop. We started talking baseball... well, first of all, I never shut up...then to get me talking baseball, it's over!

So me and this dude...we'll call him Carlos, because that's what he told me his name was, we start walking down the Strip (I started the night on Fremont St and walked south, ditching my Mom in the process) and I met this dude around Stratosphere and kept walking south on the East sidewalks. Looked like a regular dude in town just looking for a party... so we talked baseball, drank beers at every casino and I bought a pack of cigarettes, and I shared them with my new friend... Carlos, whose Dad is a Dentist in Southern Cali... asked me questions about managing his 401k and IRA (I gave him NO ADVICE, if you were wondering...) we were getting personal tales of triumph and mischief, et cetera and so forth...

Well, we walked the whole Vegas Strip all the way down to Mandalay Bay and Back up, and we stop at every place we see, walk through, find a bar, get a drink, smoke a cigarette and go to the next casino. We don't gamble but we pay for drinks, it's called playing the "liquor slots" - you spend less than you would lose gambling, and ya get wasted and before ya know it you're out of cigarettes...

Well, we keep stumbling northbound and we come upon a convenience store...a white Kansas-looking girl in overalls comes over to Carlos and starts going all Tennesee (I was kinda close) surfer-drawl Spanish...he starts talking back to Her (we'll call her 'Her' since I forget her name) and suddenly is calling me a "cracker"!!! He's asking her if she thinks I'm a cracker!! Her starts calling me a cracker!!!
I'm like 'wait a minute', I thought to myself we were cool, we were buying each other drinks, we're out of smokes and he is calling me a 'cracker'? I don't understand what's going on... I'm intoxicated, unaware of my physical location and being verbally assaulted!!!
Carlos explains in a very simple manner that basically I "crack him up", that's why he "likes hanging out with" me and he says he was saying "crock-ah" (I don't know how it's spelled) which was he said was Spanish for crack??!!?!?!?
then you find out Carlos is a crackhead! I must be naive or totally stupid... longer story, shorter... Carlos bought the crack from Her, but Her didn't have anything to smoke the crack in...high comedy... around the corner is Her's friends... who conveniently DO have a pipe from which they could consume the 'rock' aka "crock-ah"... right there in the apartment right next to the convenient store...down a dimly lit alley...with a couch that had no cushions...
...as drunk as I was, this was not the place in the world I wanted to be... so I was gone... as I walked away... I could hear Carlos asking Her for some "other favors"... I walked back up to Fremont St...
Yeah, I met some interesting people on the way back... the smelly dancing homeless guy with the radio headphones... sure they were wet from your dance sweat and the music was unintelligible, you shared a song, you sure enjoyed that beer and that moment and so did I... you weren't so crazy, you had working batteries in that radio!!! But I wasn't so crazy, either! I sensed it was time to leave when you might have grasped the notion that I was so drunk that you COULD have bashed my skull that beer bottle and taken my wallet... but I was ready to go home anyway... I had more Vegas than I had wanted, I didn't gamble (any money), got as drunk-to-slightly drunker than I had intended, watched a guy go from Dodger Fan to Crackhead (what's the difference?) in a little over 3 miles and 20-odd casinos, walked the whole strip, and only spent about $45!!! (that includes cigarettes!! Everyone feels compelled to smoke there)

Point is... we left the next day and I got to visit California for the first time...in a VERY hung-over state...(punny) "You Can't Stay In Las Vegas For Three Days" was hatched... or as what I think Las Vegas' theme should REALLY be... "What Happens In Vegas... Never Happened".

Eventually you'll be back, some day... 3 weeks 'til
"Vegas, Baby!"

Manny Stiles' Recipe: World's Best Fire-Roasted Salsa

2006-01-18T18:36:00.000-07:00

Yes, I said it! World's Best Fire Roasted Salsa!!!

Making this salsa is every bit as fun as eating it... It is an event when making this salsa, so clear your schedule out of a few hours and prepare to make a mess! It's worth the trouble and each time you make it, it gets better, but it's always good...This is FRESH Fire-Roasted Salsa, so it won't keep for long, it's actually best about 3 days after making it as the flavors intermingle.
I'm even gonna tell you some of the VERY secret ingredients!!!

Needless to say, this is not an easy recipe... I am what is known as a 'dump cook' as in 'dump a little of this in, and dump a little of that in...
This recipe has a difficulty of... let's say....9 out of 10 as there is a lot of making it to your "preference" - however, the fire-roasting is the KEY. Fire roast your salsa, no matter how you make it, people will LOVE it! Salsa LOVERS this is for YOU!!!! (try some on your morning eggs...mmmm)

This recipe makes a large BUNCH of salsa, sure to please many, many people... here we go;

List of essential tools:

- fire (gas, wood, etc... but it needs to have a clean, open flame - I use my gas stove)
- A six-pack of your favorite beer -lagers and darker beers work GREAT (get 2 sixers if you're up to it)
- a couple of bowls you can slop up
- a medium saucepan
- a blender
- tongs
- instruments of stirring
- a sharp pointy knife
- clean hands and a source of running water
- some large containers for mixing and storing the salsa
- a BIG bag of chips to enjoy your salsa (nacho chips work good too! try it!)

List of NECCESSARY ingredients:

- A whole freaking bunch of diced tomatoes ( I use about 6lbs of canned as it's too time consuming and expensive to use fresh - unless you have a garden full of tomaters)
- 4-5 Anaheim Peppers - (those thin curly green ones)
- 4-5 firm Tomatillos (absolutely key to great salsa)
- 2-3 Bell Peppers (red peppers if you like Red Salsa, Green or Yellow if you just don't care about color -they taste the same anyway)
- 2-5 garlic chunks (depends on your taste for garlic)
- one large white onion or two medium onions
- 2-5 jalepenos (more if you love jalepenos, 2 or less if you're a superwhimp -roasting will take some heat out and this is recipe can handle 4-5 jalepenos)
- a wad of cilantro
- a splash of olive oil (or safflower oil)
- a decent splash or two of white vinegar (NOT apple cider vinegar)
- a couple tablespoons of honey, yes - honey

Extra Special ingredients (these can be altered to taste - I use them all)

- more peppers (pasilla, banana, habenero, and those little teeny green ones - I can't remember what they're called, etc.)
- a couple of shots of a bourbon or whiskey (I prefer Wild Turkey - it's not too sweet; use Scotch if ya got nothing else)
- a shot or two of a fine tequila (optional, but a NICE addition, Patron is perfect)
- about 1/8 to 1/4 cup white wine
- one to one and a half fresh limes (not lime juice)
- various spices and seasonings= salt, black pepper, chili powder, garlic powder, cayenne pepper, paprika, etc
- fresh basil and fresh oregano is best
- several tablespoons to 1/2 cup of your favorite Bar-B-Q sauce - any flavor of your choice
- about a tablespoon or so of oyster or fish sauce (find it in the Chinese Food aisle - works great with so many recipes)
- a pinch to a dash to a couple of tablespoons of brown sugar
- a small bit to an irrational splash of "Dave's Insanity Sauce", "Endorphin Rush" or similar hot sauce for the brave idiots that want to test the limits

Now I'm sure you're thinking "That's a hell of alot of ingredients to make salsa" and ya know what? YOU'RE RIGHT!!! But we're not making salsa, we're taking 12 measly steps to make Manny Stiles' "World's Best Fire Roasted Salsa" - afterwards you may need to take an additional "12 steps"... you'll see why!

Step 1a: Put Peppers, Onions, Garlic, Tomatilloes in one bowl, then everything else off to the side
Step 1b: Open a beer, drink it casually

Step 2: Cut the onions in half, De-stem and De-seed and wash out the Anaheims and Bell Peppers (Jalepenos and little peppers don't need de-seeded unless you are really afraid it'll be too hot - it probably won't unless you go to the habeneros)

Step 3: Start your fire and get your tongs! Have a beer - fire and beer is just ahead of chocolate and peanut butter, if you ask me

Step 4a: While drinking your next beer, apply direct flame to all sides of the peppers (except the insides) until the the outsides are completely black. Don't burn the pepper, just the skin. Steps 4a through 4c usually takes a beer or two...
Step 4b: Cut your onion(s) in half and place right on the fire - burn the hell out of the outside, roasting the outer layer completely and using the tongs do the same to the garlic (roasted garlic is among the best scents on earth), then place in a bowl
Step 4c: place the blackened peppers, onions, and garlic in a bowl until you've fired them all and they've cooled enough to handle - then wash all of the burnt outsides and place in a clean bowl, set aside

Step 5a: Now it gets tricky - While you're fire-roasting the veggies, get your sauce pan and a beer. Drink voraciously...(the beer, not the saucepan)
Step 5b: Take a bit of BBQ sauce, some fish or oyster sauce, one roasted, washed and semi-chopped jalepeno pepper, a chunk of garlic (but not all of the garlic), a bit of the onion, salt and pepper, cayenne pepper, paprika, a few dashes of chili powder (but not the cilantro, basil or oregano) add the hotsauce of your preference and simmer in the saucepan
Step 5c: Once it's warm, pour some beer in it and simmer down a bit, then add the bourbon, brown sugar and honey to your preference and continue to stir and simmer at just under a boil.
Step 5d Once reduced and your house smells like bourbon and roasted garlic, mmmm... - add the wine and continue to reduce.
Step 5e: drink another beer - this is taking a while, huh? (I've had a few beers just writing the recipe and thinking about making salsa)
Step 5f: You should have a syrupy, thickened mess by now - add a few splashes of vinegar (enough to make it liquidy again and stir - turn the stove to low and keep warm)

Step 6: Now, you've already made a mess so it's time to drink another beer...

Step 7: By now, you're wondering... what about the tomatillos? They are important as they are full of pectin - a gelling agent that will make your salsa thicker and easier to scoop. Well, I hope you didn't peel the paperlike outer layer on 'em, but if you did... whatever... I just put 'em right in the flame until the outer skin burns off (it gets messy). The key is you have to roast 'em right in the skin (you don't need to burn these like the peppers) so the pectin gets warmed.
Step 7b: Cut the stem parts out - nobody likes to eat that. The next part takes skill, practice and/or luck - peel the skins off of the tomatillos and put them into the blender - it's ok to mash them up - you're gonna blend the hell out of them soon anyway

Step 8: Add the simmered mess from the saucepan to the blender with the tomatillos, add another splash of vinegar and enough diced tomatoes (with juice) to almost fill it and blend it into to a liquid. Add dry spices of your choice here - mesquite flavoring is nice...add more salt now if you need it, I usually don't. There's enough salt on the chips for me...
Step 8b: Add the cilantro, a shot or two of tequila (mmm...Patron!) fresh basil and oregano to the blender and chop while squeezing as much lime juice as you can into the mixture
Step 8c: Pour into your storage container

Step 9: Take the roasted onions and peppers and blend to consistency of your preference (chunky, smooth, etc.).
Step 9b: Drink another beer, we're almost done!
Step 9c: Add chopped pepper mixture to the other mixture created in step 8 and stir...

Step 10: Take the remaining diced tomatoes (I usually strain them a little bit) and either chop them in the blender to make smooth salsa, semi chop to make chunky salsa or just add the diced tomatoes to make 'chip-breaking chunky' salsa.
Step 10b: Add all ingredients together and stir vigorously!
Step 10c: Taste it.... if you're too drunk, have someone else taste it... add salt, PINCHES of garlic salt to enhance the garlic flavor or hot sauces to get it to taste the way you like...too salty? Let a potato sit in there overnight... too garlicky or oniony? add more tomatoes, or just deal with it... then put it in the fridge and forget about it until at least tomorrow (this is tough... once you taste test it, the addiction usually sets in QUICK)

Step 11: Have another beer, You've EARNED IT!!!

Step 12: Wake up the next day... have a couple aspirins and check your salsa... stir it as it has probably settled some... if it is too watery, strain it to your preference and enjoy!!!!

If you have leftovers, call me!!!

Another Written Rendition of a Manny Stiles song

2006-01-16T00:38:00.000-07:00

Santan Mountains, AZ

Something About You-
Lyrics by M. Erik Kombol (1997)
Music/Vocals by Manny Stiles (2004)

What the hell is goin' on here?
It never should have been like this
I know it's a little... weird here
but that's not a reasonable excuse

And since when did your decisions come to count so much?

So I can't help but imagine
what it'd be like without you..
different I am sure
but why would I be any different?

You dumb motherblogger! Why am I even writing about you?

What the hell is goin' on here?
I never would have let this happen
and I feel a little too comfortable
for this to be, for this to be real

When did this become something about you?
Since when did your decisions come to count so much?
You dumb motherblogger! Why am I even singing about you?

The Manny Stiles "Hollywood Hat Theory"

2006-01-12T18:27:00.000-07:00

[Read this in your best imaginary announcer voice]

COMING SUMMER 2006 ...

"A whole bunch of crap (slight pause) you shouldn't waste a second thinking about, (dramatic pause) but will be inundated to the point you will HAVE to drop some dough on (lengthy pause) just to eliminate the endless commercial onslaught (exaggerated pause) from your programmed mental process... it's (pause, then pause again) the HOTTEST (wait) MOVIE (wait for it) OF (here it is) THE SUMMER!!!"

From the producers of "We Wasted Your Time Last Summer", "Yeah, Two Gay Cowboys Will Get Their Attention" and "Let's Spend $100 Million Making A Plotless Pile of Crappy Explosions and Special Effects"... it's...

Movie! - the Movie

All of the critics agree! Here's proof:
"Two hours I will never get back" says Joe Critic - the Completely Made Up Times
"I'm sorry, what were we talking about?" exasperates Johnny Johnson - What Magazine
"One thumb way up my butt!!!" raves Thumbless Jimmy - Daily Spammer

OK. Pardon my length here (pun is both intended and unintended). A good story is always going to be a good story. And truth almost ALWAYS outperforms Fiction when it comes to attaining the GTFOOH (Get the *freak* out of here) factor. So most true stories make unbelievable movies. But there has to be a point where we have to ask... Why the blog are some of these movies even getting out of the "idea" phase?

Seriously though... how close would we be to curing all of the world's problems (hunger, disease, poverty, homelessness, illiteracy, spontaneous combustion, the hole in the ozone layer, etc.) if we took all of the money we have used to MAKE movies and put that cash to even semi-good use?

Hell, the $$$ spent on Waterworld, War of the Worlds (all versions) and Around the World in 80 days (all versions) alone could have been used in better ways to make this a much better world. (My opinion here- even if they didn't make those movies it would have been a better world)

We're talking HUNDREDS of MILLIONS of DOLLARS every YEAR just MAKING movies... that doesn't count the money spent by the masses seeing them, or the popcorn and milk dud industries. Don't get me started on the award shows, that's a whole other blog topic. Then there's all the critics and reviewers getting paid for what YOU pay to do...and how big is the "Worst Of" industry?? There are people making a living just picking the WORST movies and ranking them, giving them Razzies, etc.

And when I go to work... I can't have conversations about political, religious, social, sexual or even racial issues, but I can yap all day about "____name any movie here____" and it's widely accepted, encouraged and even added to. Where have you gone First Amendment?

WHAT HAVE WE BECOME?

I'll tell you - we are willing, submissive victims of "The Hat"

Q. - What is "The Hat"?
A. - The Hollywood Hat Theory or "The Hat" as it shall be known moving downward is...wait a freakin' minute... let's build the suspense first...

Q. - What is "The Hat" made of?
A. - At best guess... it was originally wool. Then it was replaced by a cotton hat, then probably a polyester hat and then cashmere, of course... today it is either weaved cash, ruby-encrusted platinum or made up up Moon rocks, who knows?

Q. - Where is "The Hat"?
A. - "The Hat" sits in some undetermined (so far) location in Southern California - me thinks it's somewhere between Santa Monica and Malibu

Q. - What is "The Hat"?
A. - It is literally - a hat. Inside of "The Hat" are many small, folded pieces of paper with the names of whomever is "box office" trendy at the moment - some think there may actually be 2 hats - one male, one female, but I don't think so

Q. - Whose names are in "The Hat"?
A. - If you were on E!, Extra!, Access Hollywood or any similar production sometime in the last 7 years... you're in there. After falling out of "The Hat" for 5-7 years, depending on how bad your drug/legal problems are, you can actually get put back in "The Hat" as a "comeback story" - similar side note: Will somebody please wake up Michael Keaton's agent and get some drug/legal issues strummed up... (maybe have him busted freebasing with a transexual hooker and a giant sex toy...yeah, that'll get people talking... "I'm Batman, Beotch!)

also Tom Cruise is perilously close to being permanently banned from "The Hat" - You can't handle the truth, Maypother!!! Don't complete us, we'll complete YOU!!! You're on the wrong couch, dude

Q. - What the hell is the purpose of "The Hat"?
A. - One purpose is keeping Phyllis Diller at work - seriously, thank GOD she only does cartoon voices now. And I'm starting to think Al Pacino must have pictures of somebody to keep getting pulled.
The keepers of "The Hat" reach in, pull out 2 names and Whammo! the Green light is on, now go make a movie!!!

Oscar Winner Al Pacino and a face-for-radio Phyllis Diller in...

Scent of a...Dude, Is that a woman?

also starring Ashton Kutcher, Hillary Clinton, and Michael Keaton as "Tom Hanks"

see? The purpose of "The Hat"...these things practically write themselves.

Q. - How does Manny Stiles know about "The Hat"?
A. - C'Mon...how else do you explain such phenomena as "Showtime" with Eddie Murphy & Robert DeNiro, "Bringing Down the House" with Steve Martin and Queen (where's the King?) Latifah, or every movie starring Nicholas Cage, Ben Stiller, or Jack Black ? (when are you gonna be in Scottsdale again, Jack?) Obviously, making a movie isn't about making a GOOD movie, or sometimes even making money as much as it is about pleasing "The Hat"

So to sum it up....

Why haven't the following movies been made yet?
(Let's get "The Hat" out, find a crappy band to re-do a song horribly and make it happen!!!!!)

"Saturday Night Live" - the movie of course would have to suck AND be loved at the same time
"We've Run Out of Scripts" - a multi-megastudio production
"Citizen Kane" - by Peter "My ego humps itself" Jackson and Jerry "Let's Blow It Up" Bruckheimer
A "Goonies Reunion"
An Actual "Mickey Mouse Movie" (that mouse hasn't done crap in a loooong time)
"Top Gun" (modern day remake with actors that could make plausible pilots this time)
"Jump The Shark" - the movie
"Pointless Movie where "name a starlet" gets topless, etc" - preferrably starring many starlets [these are always a winner]
"The Last Guy Without A Cellphone" (aka the Manny Stiles Story)
"Transexual Love Saga"
"The Neverstarting Story"
"Richard Starkey" - see my post "Free Movie Idea" below
"The Manny Stiles Story" - A guy goes for the big cash grab
"Jackass meets the Stooges" - Mike Myers as Moe, Robin Williams as Larry (both gimmes) and pull a Curly, Shemp and Joe out of "The Hat"
"Extremely Loosely Based on a True Story"
"The Hat - The Hollywood Hat Theory" - A Manny Stiles/Beats By Man Production

I can go on with more...but this blog entry is getting lengthy...

Hollywood Hat people - get your people to call my people, please....

The Password is...

2005-12-30T08:00:00.000-07:00

The topic of this blog is somewhat related to my New Year's resolution for 2006 -

Passwords (my resolution is to change all of my passwords)

How many passwords do you use? PINs, security codes, lock combinations, etc...

How many things need passwords nowadays? Computer applications obviously, websites, etc...

I tried to figure out how many passwords I had the other day - I couldn't figure it out! Keep in mind, I am NOT a write-it-down-and-hide-it kind of password person. I know many people who are like that. I am also NOT a use-one-password-and-slightly alter it kind of person either (spring01, spring02, spring03). I know alot of people do that too... I don't know anyone who just uses random numbers and letters for Passwords (d8s5gv45, 7g2s4c, H7j5G3n) but that would certainly be interesting...

No, I am a remember-them-all-if-I-really-need-them, every application has a different password kind of person. I also use many, many 'user names', not just Manny.

I used to be a smart-assed password person - words like - 'alakazam', 'opensesame', or 'password'. But then password applications got more security conscious... so I had to use passwords like 'alakazam1', 0pensesame (that's a zero, not an O), or wordpass.

I used to use rotating passwords at work - drone1, drone2, drone3 or hatework, quitwork, dumbwork, bullwork, vacation etc...

But the whole password phenomena is curiously slightly interesting to me: So I asked some people - "what is the stupidest thing you ever used as a password?"

But then something odd occurred; what happens when you ask someone to tell you their stupidest or weirdest passwords is very interesting... facial expressions change, body position and language alters, moods sway to and fro... there is something deep inside of people, emotional and personal that is linked to passwords...(maybe one day I will delve into this phenomenon a little further! Or maybe not)

However, after moderate prying - these are some of the answers:

Pet names or variation of kids names (very popular, but not stupid, just dull...)
"all zeros"
"I once used just a spacebar for the password"
"Is this for your blog?"
"I've used the same password all my life"
"generic01, generic02, etc.."
"1234qwer" (look at your keyboard)
"I can't remember any of the ones I don't use any more"

And there were many dumb but not funny or even barely noteworthy passwords.

Amazingly! There was only ONE person to give me any blatently offensive terms used for passwords... (excellent work, I might add)

So as you can see and probably knew, but wasn't very aware of or really gave a crap about... the world is full of dull and boring passwords... (about the same ratio of dull and boring people)

So now passwords are just like opinions & birthdays - everyone's got one! (a$$holes and belly buttons can be surgically/accidentally removed ya know, not EVERYONE has one)

Playing the Name Game

2005-12-21T14:20:00.000-07:00

****Warning: Here comes an over-the-edge prediction****

First a little background - Most people would agree; death is not a funny issue.

I, however think death can VERY much be a funny issue. It's very much a part of life! And to me, life is a hilarious series of hilarities thinly veiled by depression, sorrow, pain and suffering, death and taxes.

Unfortunately (or fortunately for me) - I think death is USUALLY funny; as long as it's not me, right??? Check out the link to DeadorAliveInfo.com (then check out how Orville Reddenbacher died)

[sidebar - actually, if I have an open-casket funeral (we'll see...) when I die, I want to dressed in full clown makeup and gear- this way everyone's last glimpse of me won't be of a fake looking human being, but more of a true representation of what is lying (there's a funny word) in that box - a vessel, not a being - my body will be there, but I won't; ya know? I am such a clown]

But what really baffles me is why the following scenario hasn't happened in a large, meaningful scale yet...

Imagine there's a person who has a very regular name becomes REALLY famous... the world love's them, then they screw up royally and become a scourge to society.

Then imagine there's a regular-seeming, but secretly unstable person out there with the exact same name.

Well the famous person ends up ruining the daily events of the regular person - the endless teasing, constant references to the works of the famous person, repeated teasing, more teasing, endless teasing, prank phone calls, people pretending to be papparazzi and then one day, they SNAP!!!! There are people out there teetering on this right now (see Office Space/Michael Bolton, Simpsons/Max Power episode to a lesser extent...)

The 'regular' person hunts down the 'famous' person with the same name and kills them!!!

I think that would be funny, ya know depending on the circumstances of course... (I hope there's not a lot of pissed-off Emmanuel Stiles's out there).

Imagine if it was TWO famous people involved in this scenario!!! Like Michael Keaton (whose REAL name is Michael Douglas) killing Michael Douglas (whose Dad's real name is Issur Danielovitch). That would shake up the world of entertainment, eh?

I know there's a Michael Jackson out there right now contemplating this... Odds are less there's an O.J. or Jessica Simpson, Dr Phil McGraw or Tom Cruise lurking in the darkness to make my day a little brighter (darn it).

It's not that I want to see people die - I'm not wishing death on hardly anyone - ok, maybe Dr Phil- I just like some good headlines every now and then..

3 Things

2005-12-21T13:37:00.000-07:00

I have always had a very simple philosophy when it comes to this "living" in this world/realmspace at any given moment...

There are only 3 things you can do.

1. Make it better

2. Make it worse

3. Let it stay the same

keep in mind, letting things stay the same may make them better OR worse, in result...

there ya have it.

Here's a list of other "3 things" - in no logical order

-Up, down, in between
-neutrons, protons, electrons
-gold, silver, bronze
-the chicken, the egg, dinner
-win, lose, draw
-run, bike, swim
-the Three wise men - Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Johnny Walker
-the Three wise guys - Captain Morgan, Jose Cuervo, Alexander Popov
-Kentucky Derby, The Preakness, Belmont Stakes
-Bart, Lisa, Maggie
-paper, rock, scissors
-boys, girls, hermaphrodites
-punt, pass, kick
-Jesus & the two thieves
-Moe, Larry, Curly
-if, and, but
-right, wrong, depends on who shoots first
-good, better, bestest
-you, me, them
-yesterday, today, tomorrow
-time, space, everything we aren't allowed to know yet
-have you ever read Goldilocks?
-"and the rest" (as a tribute to Season 1 of Gilligan's Island)

So you can now see there is almost never a two sided issue, even a piece of paper still has an edge. (only exception I could find - Tupac & Biggie)

It has been God's gift to me to always see a third option. To me there's more than two sides to EVERYTHING - we live in a three dimensional world, afterall. Yes, this makes me very much an a$$hole to some, 'argumentative' to others. But I am really seeking peace through confustication.

Since my goal in this blog is to solve the world's problems through me making this blog a forum for raising the world's peoples general awareness and guaranteeing my impending wealth from my multi-award winning records, movies and obligatory book deals.

I just want to remind the world, even though somewhere there's going to be something you can't imagine that's going to happen, it's still fun to try.

Free movie idea #1

2005-12-15T19:11:00.000-07:00

I promised a free movie idea, here - I will submit for your approval:

"Richard Starkey" by Manny Stiles and [your name here]

I would rather see someone else make this movie because I'm too lazy/'busy' to get it done myself

It starts out rather odd in that the opening sequence is set in heaven.
God is having a routine staff meeting with his angels. Determine a few main angel characters including Elko - he's kind of a jackass for a guardian angel. (Any current Hollywood Male can star in this movie)

You see his journey through history; guarding semi-important side characters throughout the bigger events in history...ad lib, etc plenty of opportunity to build Elko's personality

Well... one sequence has Elko guarding someone who is 'not supposed to get in the way'. Elko is chatting with Lucifer, feeling the dark side's charms - gets caught 'redhanded' by God - The person whom Elko was to guard turns into...say.. OK, here's where ya pick your angle....um Hitler?, Lee Harvey Oswald? something time-sensitive from the 1940's to 70's...

Here's where you freak religeousy people (if they aren't already) God punishes Elko by Making him become guardian angel of a young Richard Starkey (aka Ringo Starr) and to ENSURE HE BECOMES A BEATLE as punishment

So you make up Ringo's childhood near mishaps that Elko has to bust his ass to ENSURE RINGO BECOMES A BEATLE...you got it..?

His angel buddy says he has it easy - "I've read the script on this guy" the other angel says as he thumbs in the direction of Charles Manson. "Elko, don't let them record Helter Skelter, dude" he says. Elko replies "that's your problem & (something catchy)" Have fade in/fade outs cross through stars...

Fill in the gaps, glorify Ringo to an extent - go into his character Maybe Pete Best can be bought into the concept - Don't buy dogfur coats as gifts for Paul McCartney and maybe he'll be keen. Do that and everyone in Hollywood will wanna be a piece of this and may work cameos/"on the cheap"...

I think Ringo would love this concept- if ya know him, ask him (pay him) if he wants to make a cool movie

Then as the Beatles get gro0vin' the movie cuts out at the Shea concert -then have your cheesy montage of the Beatles' journey through time - fade to today- God's happy as pie and explains it to Elko that God 'really does know what he's doing... ' Switch to scene of Charles Manson being interviewed by some dorkus reporter.

Then comes the final scene, where God turns itself around and your about to see 'it and...

For the ending and shared credits, send: $500 to Manny Stiles P.O Box....

I'm kidding.. unless you really just want to send me money. mannystiles@aol.com

God turns it's face

and it's

really

.....really really

..... Ringo Starr!!!

Then exit to one of Ringo's songs, roll credits, ...you just explained history...

Yet Another Beats By Man Production... a division of MuTeCoRe

...do a part 2 if ya want; where another angel does something similar with several more 2nd rate stars, instead of one main Starr!!!

***Don't like that one?*** be patient, there's more to come, matey...no worries

If you read this, you've gone too far

2005-12-15T18:05:00.000-07:00

A few things -

If you're interested in purchasing any of my recordings, feel free to e-mail me or one of my 'associates' @ mannystiles@aol.com

depending on how cool you are I'll make a tailor-suited CD containing somewhere in the neighborhood of 13-20 songs - obviously you're extra cool if you're reading this blog, right?

ALL for a measly $5.00USD (free freakin' shipping included, too!)- email me for the DEEtales

I can sell CD's for $5, because I'm the producer, distributor, marketer, performer, writer, agent, and President of Beats By Man Productions - so my overhead is low (that's good business speak)

Where else can you find a CDs worth of music for $5 ? ? ?

*****THIS WEEK'S BLOG SPECIAL*****

[Mention this BLOG]

I will include one of the stupidest songs ever recorded, FOR FREE!!! (purchase of CD required)
"Din dint dunn (Philadelphia)" Manny Stiles featuring Jerm from Chemland (representin' Ridge Squad)

Here's a reeal life recommendation:
"I am actually listening to it right now, it may be the stupidest songs EVER, but it bumps" - music enthusiast & shameless self-promoter Erik Kombol

*****THAT WAS THIS WEEK'S BLOG SPECIAL*****

in other news;

if you're reading this regularly, I hope you are amused, entertained and even possibly enlightened, unheavied or contemplating entertaining the thought of separating yourself from your cash for a very worthy cause - the success of my Production company [warning:shameless promotion ahead] Beats by Man Productions, a divisioin of MuTeCoRe.

The purpose of me blogging was indeed to crack open the music realm and pour it into the written mediums. But occasionally I'll toss in some movie script ideas...that's write...oops I mean "right!!!" I am willing to sell movie concepts to the highest bidders - some I'll give away for free if people just MAKE THE MOVIE - more on that later

I gave ya a taste of a column that was current eventy - I might do a weekly news piece unless some one objects because it sucks or something...

A Guide to New Year's Resolutions - by Manny Stiles, is coming SOON!!! Watch the flock OUT!!!

A new regularly featured piece will be a picture with song lyrics - actual Manny Stiles written, performed, collaborated or produced songs of random importance - you'll see

"I will try to keep stuff fresh" - that is my Blog mission statement of the week

If you find this interesting, tell a friend to read it too - Let's start a pointless, yet hopefully financially rewarding (for me, of course) phenomena!!!

and to quote my senior yearbook - "love, peace and hairgrease"

Today

2005-12-13T19:54:00.000-07:00

Wake up in the morning and promise yourself - "today will be a good day"

That's all. Say it, know it, believe it, be it, live it, love it - rinse and repeat!
When you believe it is really true, it will be just as you believe... you will make it so!

Then when the day ends you can smile and say "today was a good day"

I can't wait for tomorrow...

Totem

2005-12-09T20:00:00.000-07:00

Be Patient.

Be Diligent.

Take your time.

It's a looong road.

Bloggity-bloggy-blog

2005-12-09T18:35:00.000-07:00

(note: for this post, instead of f-bombs, I will use the word 'blog' and in lieu of the generally accepted 'S' word for feces, I will use the term 'web')

Pardon me for blogging being mad as web, but I had a blogged-up webby day today.
A few nagging items - I HATE that I have to post this - but here we are...

1) Why should adults have to 'act' like adults? Why can't we just blogging BE adults instead of actors?
I never will pretend to be the most 'mature' person in the world, but it seems to me the rest of the world is kinda webby and pretty damned blogged-up...
[This is gonna be all over the place, so bear with me - I gotta get this bloggin' web off of my blogging chest.]

I am tired of so-called adults acting like little blogging babies. I have little need or regard for people who are more concerned with what others are doing than what they are doing. I'll mind my blogging web, you mind your own web, and we'll get along just blogging fine! Go engross yourself in gossipy web all you want, I have better web to do... tangible web.

That means I am an adult, I'll handle my responsibilities, do what I need to do and those that depend on me know this is true...That's my responsibility, not yours. This also means that if you're an adult, you don't need to concern yourself with my blogging web, so stay out of MY blogging web. (but enjoy my weblog all you like!)

For instance - if I'm busy at work, you should be busy too; or one would assume. Your job is not to worry about what I am doing, that's MY job. I am an adult. But if you're overwhelmed and blogging frazzled as web, just because you can't handle your web doesn't mean you need to start looking externally for someone to pass your web off to.

I may appear to be an aloof and cavalier individual, and somewhat of that is correct. But perceptions are NOT always reality. People who buy into their 'perceptions' are webheads. Your eyesight will lie to you faster than any other sense. You will jump to conclusions faster through vision than any other sense. You will assume the role of a bloggin' webhead faster by 'perceiving' than MINDING YOUR OWN BLOGGING WEB!!!

So when you see me not doing what YOU think I should be doing, get back to what you should be doing before assuming I'm blogging off. Getting all tattle tale 3rd gradish and trying to demean me to my superiors is bullweb. Grow up, you whiny blogs.

When you start slinging web, you start out with web on YOUR hands... bring others down will not bring you up - karma is coming to get you bloggers!!!

2) Some people think talking about certain things is 'immature'. Example - Talking about taking a web is considered by some to be childish and immature. I realized today that not being able to talk about things like this is WAY more immature. Grow the blog up you pretentious blogs! I web, you web. we all blogging web - get over it, get over yourself - go out and get blogged every once in a while - it would do you some blogging good...

3) When I'm in my car, I like to play some CDs with my homemade music on them. It gives me a chance to review and learn the intracacies of songs I have written; my very own songs. So for me to sing along with them, nod my head or to drum/strum along to the beat (I play all the music on most of them as well) as to practice and refine the songs would seem pretty logical, no? Driving is a good time for me to do this...

Why is it that when someone drives next to you on the highway and they see you doing your thing, they assume your singing off key or don't know the words or just think your some kind of dork - like they would feel if they were 'acting' like you. I don't act motherbloggers! It's the real deal. (when idiots look at me singing and make faces, I usually start singing LOUDER)

First off, I don't blogging care what you think, why must you care what I'm doing? You just operate your 3000lbs of automobile in a safe manner down the highway and stop concerning yourself with other people's web. Don't assume everyone is a dumbblog like you, arrhythmic, creativeless bastards...

4) To sum it up, not everyone is like you. Appreciate it, embrace it, LOVE IT. Let us be who/what we are...

5) Don't let perceptions override sensibility. Don't trust your perceptions - you really aren't as smart as you think. (me either) You NEVER know the whole story.

6)And realize -SURPRISE!!!- YOU are not the most important thing in the world - let people be people their own way. It's not your responsibility to babysit adults. Don't be a blogging webhead!

With that - I promise no more of this negative web for a while. And I'll try to clean up my blogging webby language from now on.... just Love, Peace, Butterflies, Rainbows, Unicorns and Flowers from now on!!!

Everybody Get High (on mountains)

2005-12-05T13:36:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, mountain climbing. One of many Manny pursuits.

On Sunday, I ventured over to Camelback Mountain nestled between Phoenix, Scottsdale and Paradise Valley, Arizona... If you've never seen Camelback Mountain, it looks from certain angles kinda like... yes, a camel's back. See?

Yes, I realize there are approximately 9,345 "Camelback Mountain"s in the world (2 that I know of in Arizona alone), but I chose this very one...Anyway, 2704 feet (824 meters) of vicious and un-soft rock spring up from the metropolis and serves as somewhat of a emblem for what the Valley of the Sun represents.

Camelback is quite the hotspot for the adventuresome and crazy alike, especially during weekends... even more so on weekends like this past weekend - ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS!!!

Yes, many people climb mountains for whatever reason -There were a lot of people climbing on Sunday- I will break them down by type here -

10-12% - the crazy nuts; the veritable crazy nuts, not just crazy like me... people wearing half-shirts, ankle weights, carrying IPods and head band accessories running up and down at full speed - that's not for me.

25% - the "Snotsdale" sort. The middle aged to just plain old; too rich for their own good Scottsdale ladies wearing the most fashionable sweatsuits available because as everyone knows - the more expensive the outfit, the better mountain climber you are. Or at least the more acceptably realistic your breast implants and plastic surgery appear. Um, yeah...

50-70% depending on the time of day - the group I like to refer to as the medically weird. These are the people that always climb the mountain at a normal pace and dress normal and appear normal. But they have this one glaring personality trait - they MUST speak about their medical condition, or their latest surgery or their doctor of various sorts to their companion climbing pack. It is commonplace to be passed by a group talking about random ailments and the issues associated. Many of these people were even badly hurt climbing mountains!!! From laser eye surgery to colon check ups; stay on the mountain long enough and you'll hear it all.

30-80% - the socially HOT!!! Any given day, you will find the smokin' babes climbing mountains. I suppose there's hot dudes too (other than myself) Obviously, these people are in shape, too. Are you single? Trouble finding attractive adventurous hotties? Go climb a mountain - it's like shooting fish in a very small barrel.

2-6% - the strollers - these folks are just out enjoying the nice day. They look around, enjoy the nature, respect the mountain, never get in anyone's way, and they see no need in going all the way to the top. Nice people

15-20% - photographers - for obvious reasons = the views AND the hotties

40-60% - people who just want to get/stay in shape. You'd think it would be more....

40-60% - people who want to look like they are in shape.

6% - 15% - kids and dogs who get dragged up the rocks by their masters/owners.

3% - the assholes who get to the top, hang out for 3 hours and bullshit about how awesome they are, how many times they climbed the mountain that day or who claim to have better lives than they obviously do. They scout the climbers looking for a willing or unsuspecting victim. You'd think there'd be LESS of these types of people on mountaintops, but...life is cruel. You nearly die climbing to the top, then you wanna die having to tolerate being in the same vicinity as these types. Unfortunately, they never hang out close enough to any of the steep edges or cliffs...

less than 1% - people who climb mountains for a blog topic

Of course, I am in all of the above groups...

While there are no ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act) sponsored trails, the two main trails up Camelback have undoubtedly added to the numbers of people benefiting from the ADA. I know of two people personally whom have been assisted down the mountain with the aid of helicopters. Fun, painful and expensive times!!!

Climbing Camelback on either of the two main trails is not a stroll in the park, but it's not impossible - I did it! But it is work and in certain sections does require using your hands for leverage and using the utmost care and balance so not to become a bloody, smeary victim of gravity. Let's not forget the screaming hamstrings and calf muscles and grinding knee and ankle joints as a sidedish. I did bash my elbow on a rock on the way down, and bled just the right amount to look mountain-rugged fresh.

Well, it took me 1 hour 20 minutes going up, 45 minutes coming down (about 15 minutes at the top taking pictures); but I made it!!! Here's proof!!!

Of course, when I got to the bottom, I ran full speed for the last 20 yards so the people just starting out could say "look at that crazy nut"

Hmm... winter's coming

2005-12-03T11:48:00.000-07:00

Yeah, it's that time of year. You can smell it in the air. That 'winter's coming' smell. You feel the chill. The wind whips around the Halloween decorations that you haven't taken down yet. You see the leaves falling from the deciduous trees, leaving their annual slop. Anyday now (or maybe several times already) the squalls and drifts will be a regular/ongoing occurance. That bitter to-the-bone wind will howl. Snowmen will sneer at you through the front window with their inheritly evil grins. Snow Angels won't seem so heavenly at all. A pile of wet, slushy boots will accumulate in the doorway. Jack Frost will nip at you like a crackhead begging for spare change.
Such is life in the northern latitudes:
There you are bundling up with gloves, hats and cussing while scraping off and digging out the family automobile. (Don't forget to get out the door 15 minutes earlier to warm it up so the heater gets going).
Then there's the back ache from shovelling the sidewalk and driveway; the mess from the salt and cinder on the roads. Of course this is the time of the year when everyone else on the road has somehow forgotten how to drive in snow even though they just did it last year...
There's the heating bill (damn oil prices) to occupy your mind unless you spent the last 4 months chopping enough firewood (unlikely scenario).
Winter has it's good moments too! It ends in the Spring.

Here in Arizona, what you call winter, I call Spring II. It's perpetually sunny, warm and there's somewhat of a chance to wear jeans and a sweater at night. I'm not sure if I can handle the next 4 months or so of 70 degree days, but I'll try my best. We all suffer in our own ways I guess... OUR suffering comes in the form of 'snowbirds'. The annual flock of the northerners swarming the valley like crackheads at a loose change convention. (It's so easy to make fun of crackheads, eh? See! They are good for something! Just like snowbirds!)

Once, a friend from back east described snow to me as what happens when rain freezes. I then asked "what is this 'rain' thing you refer to?"

Anyway; as you can only imagine, it's pretty effin' nice out here all the time... I'm gonna go sip on a cocktail in my lounge chair out back and incrementally increase my chances of acquiring skin cancer!!! Throw an extra marshmallow in your hot chocolate for me! Don't hate me, hate those bastards in the Southern Hemisphere who are about to have their summer (do they still call it winter??).

There's more than just 9 to 5

2005-12-02T21:48:00.000-07:00

If you're not living life, what are you doing?

If you're not loving life, what are you doing?

do.

be.

It's always easier when it's done.

If you're not having fun, what are you doing?

Walking the very, very fine imaginary but real line

2005-12-02T08:02:00.000-07:00

How does one give investment advice without giving actual investment advice?
[The following story is somewhat true and some of the names have been changed to protect the identities of not only the innocent but also the stupid. The guilty will obviously be named and shamed accordingly]

As many of you know or will come to learn, I am a man of various occupations. Occupations meaning "things that occupy my time". As Founder, CFO and head of Marketing for MuTeCoRe (Multifarious Tetraspherical Conglomerated Realmspace), Co-Founder of Chemland Industries, Founder and President of Beats By Man Productions, and recording artist Manny Stiles among my other time-consuming interests (amateur botanist, amateur Movie & TV critic, ordained minister, occasional blogger) I am quite a busy fellow.

In reality I have only one true occupation; a profession in the very rigid and forcibly conforming industry of investments. As a stock broker I must portray the role of a rule follower from 9am to 5pm (not my real hours, but you get the point) but that little outside-of-the-box thinker breaks free at 5:00:01pm. [side note: has anyone ever seen this 'box' everyone seems to be in?]
The key to this is that this investment industry is my primary source of income, and sole source of my medical insurance for myself and my family, so I gotta play by the rules. Running your own music recording and production company may be rewarding to my soul, but without the backing of those huge soul-free corporations (takes $ to make $) it kinda hurts the pocket.
One of my employers rules that I must abide by is that I have agreed to not give investment advice. But what is 'investment advice'? What are the dangers of investment advice? Today I will take a very career-threatening stab at answering these very questions.

If I told you to buy 1000 shares of Manny Stiles Incorporated because we have invented and are about to get FDA approval on a new cancer-curing soft-drink "2Mur Free" and "Diet 2Mur Free", you'd think "hey, that's good investment advice". So if you bought those shares, you'd be set to make a fortune as would I as the inventor, marketer, distributor (and I'd expect kickback aka 'lil sumtin' sumtin' for giving you such awesome advice). If it turned out that it only cured cancer in laboratory mice - that would be 'bad advice', since you'd be out your investment and well, you're not a lab mouse. (No one really cares about solving the problems of lab animals).

Being that no one can tell the future accurately and at a consistent rate (my crystal ball is in the shop), it should be deemed that ANY investment advice is not good advice. No matter how much sense it makes [Don't invest in yellow snow], no matter how logical the marketing campaign sounds ['everyone needs a thneed'], no matter how much someone promises or e-mails you [Manny Stiles' next album "I hate my stupid, ugly, smelly fans" is going straight to #1!!!]. Only you and Father Time can decide if any investment is worth making. It's YOUR money. There may be plenty of quality investment advisors out there (FAR and few between - my personal opinion), but they WILL make you pay for advice. Alot! Maybe their worth it, maybe they aren't - but who am I to give YOU advice?

If they say buy THIS Inc. and/or sell THAT Inc... one of three things can happen (these '3 things' - a topic for later- happen in any/every situation in life)

1) it gets better:
this works out for you and the advice giver. You get money, they get money - AND your trust

2) it gets worse:
this sucks for you. You're out money, advice giver still gets paid. Trust level goes back into the '3 things' machine

3) it stays the same:
no harm, no foul. Maybe you understood the risk, maybe you don't care. But even when it 'stays the same' things still change.

The point to notice here is - if it works for you, as long as that advice wasn't illegal (see Martha Stewart and a slew of others) GREAT...lucky you - go pay your taxes and smile, you're a winner.

If it doesn't work for you - Oh crap! Stress, lost sleep, worrying, finding a lawyer to sue the bastard, now ya gotta press to make the $ back. (there's an old saying about investing - I'll ad lib it - "It's costs a lot to learn how to make $$$ investing; you either pay for years and years of schooling or you learn the hard way"

As for those "get rich quick" schemes, "guaranteed" ways of making money on the market and "new" ways to play the market thanks to technology... think about it - if you came up with a way to seriously make $$$ who would you tell? Anyone? Maybe friends and family, but REALLY quietly as to not ruin it, right? You wouldn't e-mail it to mass lists of unknown people, you CERTAINLY wouldn't have an infomercial. If it was a true money maker, you wouldn't NEED to sell the idea to make $$$, you'd just make the money! The only 'get rich quick' scheme that works is selling a stupid idea to stupid and gullible people.

The stock markets and investing are older than you or anyone you know (that includes my 101 year old Grandmother), so it's already been tried - no matter what technology comes out, it's already been done. Now HERE'S some investment advice you can really use - Invest your time - with your family, doing the things you love, doing the things that bring you joy, follow your bliss - it's worth WAY more than any financial investment can ever bring you... you aren't going to recall your good and bad investments on your death bed... if you are, I hope your stockbroker (who has lived off your commissions) is beside you - you deserve each other...

So for these reasons among others, my agreement with my employer frowns upon me (read: will beat me up and kick me to the curb) for giving investment advice in any manner. So don't ask me, I don't know, I won't tell you and you don't want to know ( for the truth: send $500 to Manny Stiles, P.O Box... I'm KIDDING!!!)

How did this all begin?

2005-11-30T08:56:00.000-07:00

How did this all begin? Where did the name Manny Stiles come from? What is the point of this blog? Will Manny Stiles become the world's most successful rapping stock broker? What the hell is the meaning of life?

All of these questions and more will be answered soon enough... but for today, How did this all begin?

Music was always a part of my life. Whether it was listening to my pop's incessant foot-tappin' stiff fingered gee-tar playin' or my mom's melodious screeching of my name blood curtlingly when calling me for dinner, music was there. My pet bird would tweet. The voices in my head were constantly humming.

I remember writing my first original song when I was about 6 years old. I was swinging on my neighbors swing, keeping a rhythm that became so infectious the voices in my head were moving in time with serendipitous delight. Swinging, swinging, swinging... then the words to the tune made themselves apparent and WHAM-O! I wrote my first song, titled "Swinging". Here is the full lyrical content: Verse 1 - swinging [repeat], Verse 2 - swinging [repeat], Chorus: swinging [repeat ad nauseum]

Years went by before I wrote another song, but soon after writing "swinging" I was overcome with another joyous hobby - writing. It started with my name, then a few curse words, next came scribbling some bathroom wall advertising, before long I was an unstoppable force. Short stories, poems, prose, home movie scripts, ransom notes, yearbook signings... I was writing all the time, everywhere! Insatiable and passionate writing.

I would go to elementary school and show my friends all of my delightful ramblings. Stories such as "Don't Touch Me There" and poems like "I wanna grow up to be an alcoholic". None of those little pukes cared though, but that wouldn't stop me. Here I am, yeah, what's up now? Where are they? I have concluded they are all dead or in jail (for reasons only my therapist knows). I wrote and wrote and tried my damnedest to never plagiarize, whatever the consequences.

More years went by and my childhood chum, Jerm and I would spend hours prank calling people (Ah, the days before caller ID) and performing street theatre at our own bemusement. One day, Jerm showed me something I will remember forever - it was a tape recorder. The world would forever change! Not that day, per se... but it was the door to a new hallway; the long, time-consuming, expensive, unrewarding and girlfriend repelling world of sound recording. Ahh-ahhhhhh (Angels singing)

Soon we were recording fake radio shows with interviews of imaginary guests and inanimate toy figurines, using special effects and incorporating multiple recorders to assimilate multi-tracking as to make a room full of people out of two voices. It was fun, it was exhilarating and since we were yet to reach puberty, it was stupid. However, all was not lost... the seeds had been planted.

More years went by and girls soon consumed every thought, every ounce of energy. Once again my friend and confidante, writing had found it's value. I began to write volumes of 'love' poetry; sappy, crappy, happy love poems. Since most girls were repelled by my freakish twitching and uncontrollable sweating and panting when I was near them, poetry gave me a fighting chance. Or so I believed.

teen love poem-

Your eyes are like really awesome,

you're like, really cool

Baby, I can't wait to see you again

even if it means I have to go to stupid school.

Well, you can imagine how far that got me. (disclaimer - No imagination necessary)

Several more years later (damn, I'm getting old now) I was finally able to overcome my fear of being within 100 ft of actual living females, gave up my poetry-for-love exchange program and graduated to the world of dating, handholding and the 4 hour long phone calls associated with 'girlfriends'.

During one of these deep pondering, mind twisting and absorbing content discussions, I brazenly promised my 'girlfriend' that I would write her a song. Ooops! It had been many, many, many years...hell over a DECADE since my self-critically acclaimed success of 'Swinging', but I had painted myself into a musical corner with no chair on which to sit.

Then, at that moment at 3 in the morning, I sang a rousing rendition of my new song "Orange Juice". It went like this - "Orange juice. Orange juuuuuuuuice..." Four words and six seconds would change my life forever... I was no longer a one hit wonder, but an accomplished and proficient artist. It was ON!!!

No longer would I have to shove poetry in front of girls and hope they got the deeper nuances of the words and furthermore, the author. Now I could SING my words and drill right through their ears into their hearts... then I got to thinking...hmmm. If I could sing love poems, why not all of my non-love poems as well!!!

No one was ever going to read my books upon books of poetry unless I died freakishly, or went postal somehow and they were looking for clues why. This was it. Add music to the poems and I could force them, THRUST them upon people and MAKE them listen!!!

The Dream was born.

Manny Stiles: the Komillion

2005-11-29T18:34:00.000-07:00

And then there were blogs. And they saw them, perused them and they were good. The world was complete... or so it would seem.

One day, Hell opened up it's fiery loins and gibberish spewed from it. Then the somewhat-honorable Rev. Manny Q Stiles became involved. Oh No!!! What would be the consequences? Would the fabric of the time/space continuum be shred? Would there be social impact felt 'round the world? Would he spend so much time blogging that he would not be able to finish his Christmas shopping in time? Hmmm... If Manny Stiles blogged all night, would anyone even notice?

Yeah, yeah... so I joined the mind-numbing world of blogs... (really there DOES need to be a better term, one that doesn't sound so... we'll save that for a more suitable time). But here I am, emptying my mental cakehole at the expense of arthritizing my hunt-n-peck-style typing finger(s) with thanks to the wizard minds of enlightened computer geeks that had the hopes and dreams of thousands, nee MILLIONS of idiots out there misspelling their ramblish thoughts and brutalizing the President's Inglish (as opposed to that snobby, glove wearing Queen) with run-ons and a side dish of the Bill of Rights. Yea, fun!!!

So prepare for the worst, then double it and maybe this experience won't seem so bad...

This was a mere inevitable, unavoidable event. I gots too much too say, even more I don't say, and even less worth saying. I used to write and write and write, then write even more. It was therapy, it was meaningful and it was all part of my childhood dream to fill all pieces of paper with writing until trees were extinct and we were all wearing Leisure Thneeds (thank you Dr Suess, you freakin' whack job). My penmanship has atrophied to the point of resembling Morse code. My computer hours have exponentially increased to include my dreaming hours. So after YEARS of hemming, hawing, lollygagging and teetotalling, I decided to start a blog!!! Holy Crap!!! It's a genius idea! Well... pedestrian at least.

BLOG BLOG BLOG All over the news - I figured since I had never really read anyone's blog before, I could definitely do it!!! And here we are, that is...until we are there. Then when we are there we can say "Hey we were just over there, not here...which at one point was there, right?" um...yeah...anyway

Planned topics of writing at this time will include - writing, coming up with a new, less offensive term for BLOG, news, weird news, strange news, occasional sports topics (not the usual, though), music (mostly my own style of homemade noise arrangement), entertainment (mostly my various movie concepts), random thoughts, food, the crazy family goins ons and blah blah blah about this and that...

Manny Stiles' Blogging Web of WebBlogs

2005-03-31T00:27:00.000-07:00

Don't forget to check out the other aspects of the realm...

Manny Stiles' re:FWD
- Vote to [DELETE] the worst FWDE-mail. Also, E-mail ettiquette,

Manny Stiles' WTMF News & Linx
- WTMF News - it could be anything but unweird or

Manny Stiles' Arizona
- A guide to the arid zone known as Arizona,

Manny Stiles = Many Kinds
- taking familiar quotes, lyrics & literature, translated into other languages and translated back to English

Manny Stiles' Varietal Sports Junk
- an everyday whackjob's take on the world of sports sports sports sports

If you like art and creativity,

check John Funk's Art and Creations

Manny Stiles

1990-01-01T01:00:00.000-07:00